Thursday, October 23, 2008

your tomato stakes belong in the tool shed

There's always that one guy that we can't ever seem to shake...ya know, the most popular boy in high school. He always played football (or in this case, football AND soccer), could do what he wanted because the teachers loved him, the guys thought he was so manly and the girls just wanted to touch his long hair and have him look at them.

I grew up with this kid. Literally. he started mooning me the summer we met. I was 7. He was almost 8. he and his brother were the cutest kids in the 'hood. there was a big group of us kids that always played together - we would go to swim practice in the mornings, then spend our afternoons and nights playing together. As we got older, the nights became more important. The sun would set, the lightning bugs would light up, and our group would stay up late into the night talking and being teenagers. And all of us girls secretly wanted a kiss from one of the brothers. there were other boys in our crew but they weren't these boys. The summer nights also involved a lot of toilet paper, eggs and paint ball guns. It became a bit of a war: my older brother and me vs. those brothers. I have found myself laughing over the years about the night they paint balled our house. My parents had just gotten the trim painted and the window was open. an orange paint ball flew into the window and hit the wall above their bed. my parents called the police but knew who it was all along.

after the youngest brother (and the cutest) graduated, the family moved to another state. i'm being honest when i say i never gave them another thought (i mean, besides the paint balling). you don't have to believe me if you don't want to. about 6 months ago, i was sitting at...drum roll please...the BAR with two of my bff's and this extremely attractive MAN swaggered up to me (he was like a cowboy out of Hollywood!) and started talking. I just looked at him. It was one of those "this man is incredibly attractive and I know I should know him" moments. Finally, he realized I didn't remember him and he introduced himself and my heart flipped and flopped all around its chest cavity. he proceeded to sit down, join in our club meeting and then he wouldn't leave! he finally got the hint, got my number, and he was off. i called my mom to tell her and all she could say was "oh lord, he's back."

after that night, he pursued me like i was going outta style. he would call and talk in his thick state-specific accent and his swagger was enough to make any girl melt. he was tall - much taller than anyone i had dated before and his shoulders would surround me when we hugged. he was a gentleman and it was hard not to be entranced. he told me i had to get over all of my sophomoric impressions about him from high school before we would be able to really have fun. he did his research, learned about a few important events in my life that have shaped me and seemed to know just how to treat me when i responded the way i responded. he met my friends. he cooked me dinner. he wanted to talk about serious issues, not just surface level facades. he played the piano growing up and one night, he played me a song he had written and sang to me in italian. i thought i had died and gone to lovers heaven. the cooking, the singing, the piano playing, the books, the dreams of tomato harvesting; these were things i had only dreamed of ever finding in someone. we were soul mates and all the elizabeth barrett browning quotes started flooding back to me.

he was harboring a nasty secret though. He had a girlfriend (i'm sorry...a lady friend, if you will) in another state. they had met one summer vacationing and had kept in touch for several years, seeing each other once every 4 months. Now THERE's a relationship for you. They had come to an agreement of sorts...they were free to date other people but she would be moving to his town in the fall to try things out for an unspecified amount of time. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? he wanted me to know about her; honesty was a big things for him. it was completely one sided honesty though, which i guess makes it not...honest? i appreciated his honesty - he knew my past and my heart and knew i couldn't get hurt like that again. however, he HAD to be honest. he knew i would find out anyway. this town isn't that big. the longer this went on, the more i realized my emotions were going to be involved. but his were too - if he was being honest about his feelings. one saturday, as i climbed into his car, i noticed a purple hallmark card envelope with her name on the back (he had slipped and told me her name one night). I realized then that it wasn't what i thought. until that point, he had painted a picture of an obligation to an old friend, something he couldn't get out of because he was a man of integrity and good moral character. but it was merely an obligation; he didn't see it going anywhere. i asked him if she knew about me and he said no, because of their agreement not to tell the other of their dates, but also because she would be extrememly hurt if she knew about me (keep in mind this entire time he had been saying she wasn't his girlfriend). once again, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? i told him i didn't know of too many girls that would take a semester off GRADUATE school to move to some rando town to try things out with some dude who was not her boyfriend. i told him i couldn't do it anymore. i was done.

i saw him a couple of months ago for the first time...he swaggered up to me and whispered in my ear that he wanted to spend more time with me. it was hard not to get all pitter pattery inside; warm breath on my ear never sounded so sexy. i said no and reminded him of the night i asked him if he was willing to give up something good with me for a maybe with her and he had replied yes. he made his choice. i will NOT be an after thought. a second choice. the greener grass on the other side. he said she had come to visit for a weekend and it hadn't gone so well. the month or longer stay was being revisited and they were deciding if it was the best decision for them. sorry buckaroo. you made your choice.

about once a week since then, i've gotten a text or a call from him, asking me to do something. i appreciate his efforts. but the thing is, he always gets in touch with me an hour or two BEFORE he wants to do something. really? don't call me at the last minute. i love that he has the audacity to get mad at me when i turn him down. the last time he got in touch with me, it was at 4:30 on a Saturday to do something at 7 that evening. i told him no. i had friends in town. and plans. and it was saturday for crying out loud. i guess i haven't been able to get over him so i spend my saturdays waiting for him to find me. please. he retorted that he would not be asking me again; i had turned down too many offers. if i wanted to hang out with him, i would have to seek him out. umm, ok TOOL BOX. thank you for letting me know.

there are things about him that i can not live with. things that i knew about him from growing up with him. things i learned about him while dating him. but i was willing to make concessions for him. was it because it was right to be with him or because it was such a good story (think about it: childhood enemies turned lovers. and our families get along!) that i was willing to settle? a deal killer is a deal killer. period. and having another girlfriend, no matter how honest you think you are being, is a big ole fat deal killer.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? you chose her buddy. I'm not going to be your second choice. EVER. and at least have enough respect to call me in advance to make plans. i guess some people never change. he's probably never had someone not jump at the chance to go out with him, or had someone not be willing to be second choice. hey, at his peak, you were lucky to be ANY choice to him. i got news for you buddy.

i'll take my tool box of memories of us growing up and pack them away in the shed out back. and i'm sure i'll see you around at some of the bars...like i said, this town ain't that big. but i can't waste my time hanging out with a d-bag who doesn't put me first when there are PLENTY of d-bags out there willing to put me first. hey, a girl's gotta eat.

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