Friday, May 13, 2011

I've always wanted to date a criminal

A friend of mine and I used to frequent PF Changs for their happy hour (if you haven't been, it's really actually quite good). One particular night, the assistant manager kept sending over drinks and desserts for us. My girlfriend knew him (but not really. After this episode, I'm not sure friends of friends can be trusted) and said from what she knew, he was a good guy. He managed to track down my number (through all those friends of friends) and asked me on a date. He suggested a very swanky restaurant in a nice part of town, and since we know that not only does a girl gotta eat, but a girl likes to eat well, I of course said OK. We had a FABULOUS dinner, a delish bottle of wine and really good conversation. He wasn't my typical kind of guy, but I was trying to be optimistic in this new life of mine and not necessarily cling to those types of mine. Especially since those typical types hadn't worked out for me thus far. The night ended with a "we'll go out again soon" and a kiss on the cheek.

Only, about three days later he txted me that he was planning a weekend trip to Savannah and wanted me to be his guest. Whoa there killer. I told him perhaps a second date would be a good idea before even considering an overnight date. He backed off a bit. On or around this same time, I was planning a 21st birthday redo party. I had recently been informed that my 21st birthday was lame (it was. I was in bed by 11) and that I should redo it. So, I planned a golf pros and tennis hoes bar crawl. Chang wanted to come, only I was served one too many and wasn't exactly checking my phone. I ended up getting a barrage of hateful txts about how this guy felt like a clown walking around dressed like a golfer trying to find us at the beach. First off, since when do clowns golf? I informed my girlfriend that this cat was a bit cray cray and there would definitely not be a trip to Savannah EVER with him, and definitely not a second date.

Approximately two months later, I got wind of a news article I should read. It included things like:

An employee at P.F. Chang's restaurant is accused of poisoning a co-worker's coffee.

According to an arrest report, the victim got sick and nauseous and went to a hospital after taking a drink of her coffee that had some cleaner sprayed into it. She was treated and released.

so he is a poisioner. awesome. glad I avoided getting bleach poured down my throat. and you can bet i've been going back to the Chang now that I know he's in the pokey and not there, enticing me with free desserts.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

So, do you like Bagel World?

Because I'm a professional casual dater and can't ever actually seem to get past the dating phase, I agreed to meet a boy at church. We discovered we went to the same church and he suggested (much to my delight!) that we meet for the 11 o'clock service and then "it would be [his] pleasure to take [me] to lunch." lawd have mercy! I thought I had died and gone to southern gent heaven! (only, he is originally not from the south and that prob should have been a red flag). Now, I don't typically go to this particular service, but because I had a lunch date (a real lunch date! I was so excited), I got up early, got cuted up and showed up on time. And he was late. He got there about 11:15 (keep in mind the service is only an hour, even when there is Communion). We sang some hymns, prayed and did all those churchy things. Except, right before Communion, he looked at his watch and said "say, you wanna get outta here and grab a bite to eat?" I said "right now?" and he said "yes." Bewildered is the ONLY word I can think of to describe myself at this point, so I said OK and off we went. It was a beautiful day so I had visions of us sitting outside somewhere, enjoying an iced tea and each other's company. A leisurely Sunday luncheon, if you will. Wrong. He said he would drive so I stopped off at my car to grab my sunglasses. I observed him doing a little jig as he was clearly debating opening the door for me or not. I mean, he walked to his side, shook his head, and walked to mine. Weird, but we applaud him for making the right decision. As we're cruising along the A1A (BEACH FRONT AVENUE!!), he says "So, do you like Bagel World?" Kind of a strange question, but we were passing it on the road, and it's a little local joint, so I obliged. "Oh yeah! I go every Fri. as my congratulations on making it through another week breakfast." With that, he turned the car around and took me to...yep, you guessed it...Bagel World. We each got a bagel with cream cheese. The conversation was strained as he kept looking at his watch. Finally, I said to him that if he were THAT bored with me, we could leave. He just said oh no he wasn't bored. He just had plans to watch football with his dad at 1p. Alright dude, I understand it's football season. My fantasy team butt whoopin' is reminding me of that weekly. But why would YOU suggest 11 o'clock church and lunch if you planned to watch football? I'm gonna go out on a limb and suggest perhaps he was just not that into me. Which is FINE. But be a man, grow a pair and either say lunch isn't going to work or do what you said, suck it up and TAKE ME TO LUNCH!! The good news is, I went to 11 o'clock church and lunch and was home by 12:30. Which was perfect since I had a 12:30 appointment with the toolshed.

Monday, October 18, 2010

you will pay for your own drink specials.

I know I’ve got a lot of ‘splainin to do about my absence…but spare me the harpin’. I have a long list of less than men to tell you about, but Friday’s experience may take the cake in the world of dbags. Wait, I’ve said that before. so, if I’m being honest, and I am, this one doesn’t really take the cake but it is DEFINITELY a slice out of the old tool shed. Whre they stop, no one knows.

I had been introduced to this kid whom I affectionately dubbed Drink Specials. This is a name he brought on himself because the first two attempts he made to hang out with me included meeting up at particular places “with great drink specials.” Friday night, I agreed to meet him out at Mellow Mushroom. He suggested dinner and though I don’t love Mellow, since he had been persistent, and was cute, I decided to go. Only, I probably should have decided not to go. We’re having dinner and he asks to be reminded of where I work. I tell him and he asks “oh, do you know Sara blah blah blah.” “well,” I reply, “I don’t know her but I know of her. I dated her ex.” He says “ohhhh you dated him??? Well, we grew up together and my roommate dated her.” So, I realize what a fantastic night this is going to be since if he grew up with her, and she dated his roommate, then they’re probably as crazy as her reputation makes her out to be. Approximately 20 minutes after we sit down FOR THE DINNER HE INVITED ME TO, his friends show up. Yes, 4 or 5 of them at this point show up, come say hey, we didn’t know you’d be here and then leave to go to the bar…while telling me he is so sorry, he didn’t know they would be there (right), they start sending shots over. After shot 2, but before 3 and 4 arrived, I confessed I wasn’t going to be able to do anymore shots. I mean, it was only 9p and these guys were apparently going balls to the wall at the Mellow Mushroom. About this time, I start feeling semi badly – granted, I had only had to eat that day 1 large mashed potato and gravy, 1 large mac and cheese and 1 biscuit from the KFC, two glasses of wine, 1 pizza from the Mushroom and 2 shots. It’s no wonder I felt like 1 million bucks. The waitress comes and I blame her for what happens next. She asks, as most waitresses do but should not, how did we want the ticket. Clearly the tightwad, Drink Specials tells her she can put it on one ticket and WE WILL SPLIT IT! um, excuse me? if I am paying for my own dinner, I don’t want to do it at the Mellow Mushroom! I don’t even love that place! After dinner, we move over to the bar to hang out with his homies who are clearly WAITING on us to come. I tell him his friends all look familiar and then I realize why. At the epicenter of his friend group was my across the hall neighbor. The same neighbor who had an uber white trashy fight with his live in girlfriend at 6a that resulted in her moving out ON THE SPOT and the entire building be awakened. The same neighbor who hosts porch parties every weekend that begin at sun up and end well after sun down. Every single one of these guys has been on the porch on more than one occasion and every single one of them has spoken to me through the screen (I oft times sit on my porch and talk to my cat whilst in my pajamas and glasses). After a funny hey this is awkward, I didn’t know you ever left the porch convo in which all the guys said to me at different times “hey, you’re the girl with the cat!”, I had to race to the bathroom where I spent the next 35 minutes hating my own guts. I received two txts from Drink Specials asking where I was. I returned, everyone was wasted, and I knew it was time for me to go home. At 11 o’clock, I left the Mellow Mushroom. All I could think about was how excited I was to be putting on my pajamas and hanging out with my cat. I was exactly the girl they thought me to be. And that is a-ok with me. And Drink Specials? Well, let’s just say he’s back in the shed, right where he belongs.

Monday, March 29, 2010

West Side Sock Boy

Sock boy moved to the other side of the country. He just so happened to move to a city where I have several good friends. We stayed in touch via facebook (i mean, duh) and when I announced via facebook (another duh...who doesn't announce their entire life on the book?!?) I had cashed in some miles and would be visiting, sock boy got busy on the bbm. We txted back and forth for a few months, mainly him asking me to meet him in Vegas and we could get married and me responding with requests to see his biceps via txt picture. He had never been so attentive! I knew it would be short lived and I most certainly knew I wouldn't actually see him when I landed.

Wrong. While riding on the back of my best friend's scooter, taking in the breath taking scenery and trying to out do one another with romantic boyfriend stories (nothing like romantic scenery to bring out the best in friend comps), I sent sock boy a txt that I was indeed on west side soil. he responded in disbelief that i had actually contacted him. i mean, who are we kidding. does he have my number or what. i informed him where we would be going that night and that was that. my friend and i went about our beeswax, dined at my fave thai restaurant in the city and made out way to a fun little spot for some debauchery. about an hour after we arrived, sock boy walked in. my stomach was in all sorts of knots, and while i would like to blame it on the thai food (or the alcohol like jamie), i can only blame it on him. he walked in looking taller, more broad and cuter than i remember him being back home. he pulled the typical sock boy move: he picked me up, swung me around and i was gone. he flirted his way back into my heart in roughly 2.3 seconds flat. we picked up right where we left off, in a way only old friends often can do. his wing man was doing everything he can to convince my wing woman to go home with him; she was not even considering it but didn't actually put her foot down until he informed me that my steweys were in no way as fabulous as a pair of louboutin's. i was insulted. not to mention a little concerned as to why this seemingly straight man even knew so much about women's heels. sock boy out his wing man in a cab and returned to me (my wing woman had moved on to another douche).

when it was time to leave, sock boy offered to share a cab with us. the first stop was naturally my friend's flat. she got out of the car and RAN INSIDE (side note: i had informed her multiple times that i would NOT be going home with sock boy, and not to let me get in a situation where I might be tempted. he needed to know I was not that kind of girl, and that history does not always repeat itself). Since she clearly had blown her ability to withstand awk moments in the back of the cab, i was left to take care of myself. who does that to a friend! how old are we here! sock boy and i got into an argument when he couldn't believe i would not be going home with him. i leaned in to kiss's not like we've never kissed...he pulled back and said (get ready) that the only way he would be making out with me is if i come home with him and make him mac and cheese. i'm sorry but WHAT!? i am on VACAY, not on cook for you cay. i get out of the car, he flips me off, and the cab takes off. i run inside, in TOTAL disbelief to my friend who can't give me the attention i need because she is explaining to her roommates why we would not be smoking the hookah with them.

i'm sorry, but am i in a movie? i just got flipped off by sock boy and now some cats want to smoke a hookah? time for me to go to in and out burger and eat my way to feeling better.

sock boy and i haven't talked since. just in case you were wondering.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Smooth Criminals

I’ve always secretly wanted to be smooth enough to date more than one man at a time and for them not to find out, but I never knew I’d date different brothers of the same mother. I am not confident that the little nugget below will quench your thirst adequately, but it's the best I can do, mainly because I can't stop laughing at how utterly ridiculous the entire spectacle was.

The first man, Dr. Jekyll, came from somewhere in my past and swept me off my feet. He wasn’t anything what I imagined I’d ever be attracted to, but he was just so good to me that I couldn’t help but fall. He treated me better than I’d ever been treated. He made it clear he just wanted me to be happy. And he fell in love with me. He met my friends, he became friends with my friends’ boyfriends. My parents adored him. I loved his family. We were just a perfect fit and it was hard to even imagine I had lived without him in my life. We took trips to see my friends out of town and to his parents home in a resort town not far from where I live. We went to fancy dinners and stayed up late talking on the phone. He had a relationship in his past much like my most serious relationship and I felt like I had finally found someone who could completely and utterly understand the pain and hurt I had felt when that relationship ended. We began quickly making plans for our future and talking rings and houses. We had nights dedicated to eating our favorite food, we worked out together, we shared a lot of things in common but were so completely different that things never got dull. He seemed to have a good head on his shoulders, a good career, and nice manners. He came from a good family and everything was just matching up in a way I never thought existed. I definitely counted THOSE chicks before they hatched. oops.

From Stage Left comes Mr. Hyde, who reared his ugly head early on in my relationship with Dr. Jekyll, but, like most women in love with being in love, I made an excuse for this crazy man. The first time he appeared was shortly after Valentine’s Day. I think it is safe to say that Facebook is very bad for a relationship, especially when one takes it entirely way too seriously and the other, not. Some pictures had been posted of me with some friends of the opposite sex at a Valentine’s Day party. The thing is, this was VERY early on in my relationship and I wasn’t ready to call him my boyfriend, and I sure as heck wasn’t ready to spend actual Valentine’s Day with him (though this did not stop me from letting him take me to a delish meal of steak and wine the night before). He got offended and drove to my office to pick me up for lunch. Only, he ended up yelling at me about how I was either dating him or hanging out with other guys but there wouldn’t be both. Needless to say, we didn’t go to lunch that day. I slammed his car door (lucky for him it didn’t break like the last door I slammed on a car) and went back to work. I personally didn’t feel like he had any reason to be jealous, but because he was so angry, I deleted facebook. FOR NINE MONTHS. Are you kidding me? No. I am not jonesing. It was THAT ridiculous. My next favorite altercation with Dr. J was at the beach with my family. He accused me of being distant (umm hell-o, I’ve been at the beach for 3 days and you’ve been at work. We have been distant! at least location wise). In the same conversation, he also accused me of enjoying kissing boys (I realize how crazy it sounds but would you believe Keith Urban’s song “Kiss A Girl” was playing when this accusation flailed?) and said it was typical I would know the words to that song. You’re darn right it is typical - I know ALL of Keithy poo’s songs! And frankly, I do enjoy kissing boys, and I don’t enjoy kissing girls, so I’m not sure what the beef is here. It was at this point I told him I needed a break. You’ll never guess what his reaction was! He yelled at me in front of my parents and LEFT. Yes, left. Left me in tears and drove home. Dr. Jekyll of course wanted to work things out after that. He was so afraid of losing me and he wanted nothing more than to take care of me and provide for me for the rest of his life. So, to prove it, he quit his job. You heard me, Willis. HE QUIT HIS JOB. AND MOVED BACK TO HIS PARENTS’ HOUSE far away from me and our relationship. There are a few things women fear more than anything else and one of these is abandonment. He knew this and to prove his love, he abandoned ship.

Now, I’m not sure about you, but to me a secure job screams stability. I understand impulsive shopping and impulsive behavior (like when you shimmy up on a hottie and then you impulsively make out with him?) but I in NO WAY understand impulsive job quitting. Needless to say, you can imagine where this relationship went. not even hell owns a hand basket big enough to carry this relationship in. After a very mortifying cuss out in the parking lot of my parents’ neighborhood pool, I asked him to never contact me again. He assured me I would never hear from him again...but of course, Iago was never REALLY that honest. I got a happy birthday txt, complete with an offer to take me to dinner if I wanted him to. Umm, thanks Gina but I don’t want to spend my birthday with you. I also got a happy birthday email complete with an offer to still go on his family vacation over Christmas. Umm, wow. When I didn’t respond, I got a string of crazy txt messages about how he had learned his lesson with me. I mean, you have to understand that this cat is serious! He learned his lesson with me! Thank you Jesus he finally did. I’m tired of his crazy self contacting me and proving to me that some things never change. It’s super hard for me not to laugh at this whole situation. I really hate being blind sided, and I’m seriously hate being had. But, I was had. By a douche none the less. I clearly have NOT learned my lesson!!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Incident: something that occurs casually in connection with something else

I was immediately intrigued by the Incident. We got matched up and his profile made me laugh. It was clear we shared the same sense of humor. I told the aforementioned good friend about it and she said, oh yes my coworker has met him but they aren’t dating, so I figured it was a go. By the way, I need to meet this coworker. I have a hunch we’d be best friends since we have such similar taste in men! Think of the stories!

We met for drinks the first night and seriously laughed the entire time. He was cute in a rugged kind of way; I had never been on a date with a bearded fellow before. His emails and txt messages to me were hysterical and full of questions and thoughts about future activities we should do together. He has a good job and seems to be stable in his career (and once I get around to posting about my two friends Jekyll and Hyde, you’ll realize that being stable in your career is very attractive to me and imperative to dating me). He was so witty and I found myself completely falling for his charm. Because I’m starting over of sorts with my life, I tried really hard to let this thing play out and not rush things. My interest in him grew by the day and I really started thinking, wow, I’ve met a good one! FINALLY! Hark those herald Angels sing! We saw each other here and there, and when he had to leave for the week for work, we continued our budding romance over the internet and phone. He told me he would change his plans and come back to town if it meant we could see each other. I agreed and I was enthralled. I had NEVER had a guy change his plans for me like that! We went to dinner the night he got back and had the best time. We already had plans to go to a nearby city to see the Christmas lights the next day. I told my good friend this and she said it must be pretty serious if I was committing not one, but two weekend nights to him! I said I was really starting to like him! The date to see the Christmas lights was wonderful and the most fun I can remember having in a long time. It was so romantic and it was nice to be enjoying something like that with someone I actually enjoyed. He volunteered to go to church with me the next morning, and then we had lunch with my neighbor. All in all, I was even more impressed at the end of the weekend than I was at the beginning.

However, shortly after lunch, we got into a discussion about strip clubs. Seriously? Don’t even get me started. I’m not entirely sure how the topic came up and when I asked him if he frequented strip clubs, he said no but he does go for bachelor parties. I went off about how strip clubs are degrading and terrible and he said something about how it was good to know I wouldn’t trust him. I assured it was not a matter of trust but a matter of respect. He asked what if it was his bachelor party and he hadn’t planned it. I said if you respect me, you won’t go. And if we were getting married, I would hope you would have enough respect for our marriage to not go. He said ok and that was that. After he left, I got pretty annoyed because strip clubs shouldn’t even be something we were arguing about. Ever. I should have recognized THAT red flag! The next week was Christmas, and I was flying out on Wed. night after work. He asked if he could cook me dinner on Tuesday and I accepted. I mean, hello, what girl doesn’t want a guy cooking her dinner?!? Somewhere between the strip club conversation and Monday evening, we got into a pretty heated debate via, what else, txt message about trips. He said assuming things continued to go well, he would like to cash in his points and take a cruise with me. Because I get freaked out easily, I started getting freaked out. I mean, it had been TWO flippin weeks and he wants to take a TRIP with me!? Um, I don’t think so buddy. I told him I would never do that, and I was honest when I said the main reason was because of my family. What they don’t know won’t hurt them, but why would I throw things in their face if I could avoid disappointment and wait until rings were involved. He responded with, “well, I would hope that as a 28 year old adult in a committed relationship, that my partner would be making decisions that would be good for the relationship and not just because her family doesn’t approve.” I could just see him puffing his chest out as he typed. I retorted with, “and I would hope as a 27 year old adult in a committed relationship that my partner accepts certain quirks about my family and never puts me in a position where I have to choose.” His use of the word partner annoyed me to no end and he used it frequently! I decided to write him a THREE PAGE letter. I explained to him how important it was for me to find someone who was involved in church and didn’t just do it because it was important to me, but because it was important to them. I told him I needed the respect that strip clubs would not come up again and I wouldn’t have to worry he was going. I told him I would not be sleeping with him; that perhaps some of my actions had led him to believe otherwise, and I was sorry, but because I really liked him, I wanted to try to do things the right way, and for me, the right way was to not hook up before we were married. Talk about being a nervous squirrel! I went to dinner in a bad mood because I was so beside myself with angst. Dinner was out of this world! He even made my favorite dessert because he knew how much I liked it! He told me he remembered my comment about formal letter writing being a lost art, and he had written me a letter. Here is an excerpt:

I love when your affectionate and sweet, and I really could talk to you all day. Which is huge cause I hate listening to most people, especially women, talk…there is so much I already love about you. yes I know its very gay but I do feel like you kinda get me already and I just have so much fun with you…I even hate cats yet yours doesn’t even remotely bother me…this is completely out of the ordinary that I feel this way. I have never really felt all these things at once for a girl…I have been getting these chest pains sometimes as I worry that you won’t ever feel the same. But I feel like there is something special with you that could be what I have been looking for in a partner to share the rest of my life with…

OK, besides all the grammatical errors, and the use of that blasted word partner, this letter took my breath away. Even though we’d only known each other a few weeks, he was, it seemed, practically everything I’d been looking for. We’d spent so much time emailing and talking and just hanging out the past few weeks that we’d gotten to know each other pretty well. We had shared stories about our pasts and he had confided in me that he never wanted to be like his father. It was hard to not be secretly excited for what was unfolding. I gave him my letter and he read it. I told him I knew there were things in there that could be deal killers, which is why I felt it was fair to let him know these things from the get go. Remember, I’m great at spotting red flags when they’re waved in my face, so when his first reaction was to tell me I was setting myself up to be single the rest of my life, it’s no wonder I still sat there. He said it sucked because he really liked me, but he wasn’t going to try to change my mind, and then he asked could we get married in 6 months so I wouldn’t have to obey any rules. I told him to slow it down and back the train up. We left it with me feeling awkward and him saying he’d think about things. And then, Christmas came.

We both went home to our families, and our communication broke down. Perhaps it was me. I’m just not good at responding to bathroom humor messages (the best thing he got for Christmas was butt wipes? Make sure I get a bike with a seat cushion good for my vajayjay? And yes, he said vajayjay to me). He ended up coming back to our town earlier than he had initially said, so I should have been wary. My brother and some friends came to town the day after I got home, so we knew we wouldn’t see each other much for the next week. However, had it been me, and I was wearing his shoes, I would have done things differently. If I was OK with the terms of the letter (it really does sound like a business transaction, eh?) then I would have tried to see this girl I was clearly crazy about as soon as she got off the plane, even just to see her face for a minute. I mean, I had been sending her txt messages about different things I loved about her. I most certainly would have been waiting anxiously for her to call me or txt me and tell me she had landed safely. I wouldn’t have waited until the next morning to check my txts and tell her I was glad she made it home. Of course, I also wouldn’t have called up an old flame and taken them to dinner and then gotten some sugar for dessert. When she told me she had a hunch that I had come back early to see another girl, I wouldn’t have lied and said that there were no other girls and it made me sad to think she even thought I was capable of that. I wouldn’t have told her I missed her greatly and couldn’t want to see her again. I wouldn’t have told her I had been trying to give her reassurance that I was OK with the letter. But, of course I was OK with the letter. I could date her and get my lovin’ on the side.

Too bad for you, Mr. Incident. I know the girl you took out this weekend and subsequently lied about. Turns out we have the aforementioned good friend in common who put two and two together and realized we were dating the same guy. So, next time you’re dating someone gives you AMPLE opportunity to admit to her you were jeepin’ (thanks, Clueless) behind your back and you still lie, you should probably sack up and stop digging. Oh, also, when you realize that there is a mutual friend involved, you probably should refrain for txting the other girl and asking her if she told anyone about your rendesvouz. Clearly, she is onto you too and is going to tell the mutual friend you got in touch. She said it crystal clear though when she responded to you with, “yes, I told my coworker who put two and two together and we realized you’re such a dumbass and how you are so busted.”

I think we may just have a trifecta of putting bastards out around this town.

Monday, December 14, 2009

This is the SOUTH guy

Last night, I went out with this guy. We’ll call him Tommy Lee (not for his tats, but for his love of hard rock/heavy metal, which by the way, was weird). We had talked on the phone a couple of times, and he seemed like a nice guy, so I figured dinner wouldn’t be too awkward. I was right for the most part. He suggested a place known for its Wednesday night wine specials. It seemed like it was turning out to be a good night: I had time for a quick work out before going home and getting dressed.
As I pulled in, right on time mind you (which is HUGE for me), the new Jay Sean/ Puff Daddy song came on the radio. I of course had to finish the song out, thus making me two minutes late. Whatever. He was a nice looking guy and after the initial formalities, we decided to grab a table. The place was packed so I was immediately impressed with his choice of venue. He didn’t open the doors for me, and I was a little taken aback. This IS the south, and chivalry is NOT dead. Plus, I always notice right off the bat if a date opens the door for me or not. It indicates many things to come. I was correct in my assumptions. So, we sit down and have a glass of wine (the specials were over, so my wine, well, both glasses ended up being about 20 bucks…this is important as I’d never order more than one $10 glass of wine on my own dime) and ease into conversation. He was a computer nerd, but he had great social skills and wasn’t into dungeons or dragons or stabbing people in the neck. He made some funny comments, had a nice smile, and the date overall was nice. The food was delish and I secretly wanted to devour my entire plate but thought that might be rude to show just what a little piglet I am on a first date, especially since at this point I thought it could turn into a second date. I may or may not have made the mistake of telling him I kept a blog about bad dates, and then I told him I would not be blogging about this date (whoops) because it hadn’t been a bad date. Honestly. Until, the waitress puts the check on the table.
Because this was a first date, I nonchalantly look for my chap stick and debate going to the bathroom while thinking simultaneously he would pick up the check. Wrong. The check stayed on the table for a FULL TEN minutes (600 seconds if you’re counting) before he finally (geeze that was the LONGEST and most awkward ten minutes of my life trying to avoid making eye contact with the check) reaches for the check while saying, “well, I guess I’ll get this.” WHAT? You GUESS you’ll get it? Thanks a lot man. You flippin’ asked me on a date! You suggested the place! Why would I pay? I personally don’t feel the girl should even OFFER to pay until the third date, and even then, if the dude takes her up on her offer, that’s bad form and I probably won’t go out with you again. So, he pays (keep in mind I had $20 worth of wine on there, plus my dinner…not a bad first date from my perspective), we get up, he doesn’t open the door for me, again, and we walk to our cars. He walked me halfway to my car before turning towards his and says “have a good night. Be good!” I told him thanks for dinner, I had fun and I’d talk to him soon. He didn’t even walk me 15 more feet to my car. What if there had been a boogie man waiting for me?
This guy is from up north, but he’s lived here long enough to know in the south, things are done differently. You open the doors. You compliment your date. You walk her to her car. And you always, always pay on the first date. So, I guess I lied when I said I wouldn’t be blogging about it. Sorry, dude. Thanks for dinner.

Friday, November 20, 2009

once in a blue moon

I have a lot to update you readers on, but as a way to satisfy the cravings of your soul, I am turning the floor over to my dear friend. This dear friend and I met by chance one Christmas season and though we did not make out that weekend, we should have. We share so many commonalities from political beliefs to good looks that it is incredulous to think we are not soul mates. another thing we share is our almost perfect ability to attract nothing but morons, tools and toolettes alike. This dear has a track record much like my own. Even when we're not looking for a dbag, we find them. He finds the women who belong with my men. My men could build the shed these women would live in. He collects the jellies to my peanut butters, the peas to my pods. Please get excited and read on. His story will amaze you. I will be back.

I would like to first introduce myself. My name is PR and I’ll be guest blogging here at the Toolshed. At first glance I probably seem like a tool, but with closer inspection you will find that I simply play the same game. I’m a disciple of Mystery, Ronald Reagan, Social Distortion and every Red Bull girl out there who ever made the mistake of double dating on me. I think Tucker Max is a douche in general and I really make an effort to treat women with the highest degree of respect. But the West being what it is, we’re all a little nuts out here from the constant sunshine and exorbitant taxes. The creator of The Toolshed was gracious enough to allow me to contribute. I live in out west and work in the public policy/public relations arena. I first started documenting my dates and escapades about a year ago in the form of emails to two very good friends. Love me or hate me, this is one of my stories:
There are milestones in every person's life that mark who they are, what they are, and where they will be one day. The birth of a child, a game winning touchdown, beating that douchebag frat boy in a keg race, all good examples. However, there is nothing quite like spending someone else's money and getting away with it. Bankers and financial CEO's get away with it every day. But unlike them, I do not face any public outcry or media scrutiny…yet.
That very thing happened to me last weekend. I knew that Haley was in the city and had been expecting her to crash at my pad. So I stay at work past 5 and receive a call from her. She's at the Hyatt all by herself (score). I tell her I will get there when I get there, she tells me to shut up and hurry the hell up. I am not concerned because she doesn't know anyone else in town and as is often the case, I am the only game in town.
There's a guy in another office down the hall that dresses very well and is obviously well liked by the ladies. He has a name, but I didn't bother to remember it. Instead, I call him "Dapper Dan." Anyways, Dapper Dan is in his office working late and I drop by to say, "sup?" and give him the obligatory bro-fist-pound. I feel great about myself and better than Dapper Dan because I know I am Hyatt and Hottie bound, and he isn't.
I leave the office with an obscene amount of swagger in my walk. This is it I tell myself: the dream of every overweight 40-something single software salesman. Let's face it, this chica bonita is as close to a "10" as they come. So many of my friends are either getting married or have a ball and chain, but not me. But the great work of theatre known as my single years will end one day. I can just see it now: weekends with the insufferable in-laws at their beach bungalow, endless shopping trips to the newest mall, cutesy photo shoots for the Christmas card, involuntary trips to farmers markets, picking out new shades, yard work, dinner parties, never doing or saying anything right and of course, a spouse-imposed curfew. Not that I have anything at all against married couples, I’m just not ready for it yet. To commit to such a thing would be a disaster for me.
Upon arrival she tells me she has a bf that she loves very much but is all alone in the city and is bored. I laugh at this, or more accurately I laugh at him. Cruel you think? I think not. I believe in free will, individualism and the pursuit of happiness. I ask her how she can justify such infidelity. She says boredom. She asks me the same question, and I tell her "flexible morals." I ask her what she is doing here, and she replies with "none of your business." Hmm..okay, but what are you really doing here? She says an exam. I don't see this as truthful given her body language. She tells me to drop it. I drop it.
You know that scene from every movie where a dude's buttons get completely ripped off of his dress shirt? There are seven buttons on a dress shirt. Needless to say, someone is now missing three (score), and f*ck if he knows how to sew them back on.
I mean Haley really is beautiful. She's modeled for Nordstrom apparently and has been doing such things since an early age. Why she studied finance is beyond me. She's always wearing a new perfume (which is always fantastic) and maintains that oh-so-excellent tight body despite eating like an NFL lineman every time we go out. She's prone to mood swings, "Don't call my mom hot!," and "you are so emotionally unavailable sometimes!" And I like a girl who can wear heels. I especially like the fact (and this may be bordering on bizarre) that she's one of those girls that every older guy stares at when she walks by. She sets the bar for me, always reminding me of how high I should aim. Of course sometimes my vision gets blurry. Hey, it happens to the best of us.
A great night was had. We drank and ate our weight in gold. And who paid for all of this? Ha ha. Well, "Daddy" financed the entire thing. Daddy is an environmental lawyer and would just implode if he knew about everything. I'd cash in my IRA to see his face when he opens up his credit card statement. Thanks Sierra Club!
I woke up and did the cliché tip-toe to gather my things. In the movies the hot girl rolls over and says, “call me” or “leaving so soon” complete with an adorable smile while clutching the sheet. Not this one. She coldly snaps, “where the hell do you think you’re going?” No good morning, no giggle, no request for more time with me. I tell her I have a meeting and have to go. I don’t know why I did this, but I just needed to leave.
I left the Hyatt and walked to the gym with my tussled hair and missing buttons. People stared and I just giggled to myself. My neck had hickey’s, I reeked of alcohol and looked like a common vagrant in dress clothes – as if I had received them from a charity “Dress For Success For the Homeless” but instead of going to an interview I went back to the streets begging for change for another 40.
After the gym (40 pull-ups in a row!) I had breakfast at the Irish pub around the corner with coffee and the latest issue of The Economist. As I devoured the second poached egg I thought about how ridiculous my life has become, how terrible of a person I am, and other asides. And then I said "f*ck it" and ordered a Bloody Mary. I downed that and went back to bed for the rest of the day…I needed it.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

a brisket, a brasket, a bigger tool basket

I realize it's been awhile. don't hate. I found myself dating two men and unable to write much. I have a lot to say about these two men but I will give you THIS teaser: one was named Dr. Jekyll and the other, Mr. Hyde.

However, before I tell you about those fabulous men, I need to share with you the story of a boy who is very close to my heart. I saw him today at the gym and I felt all warm and fuzzy inside until I realized how wasteful my fondness is. Mason is his name (like, you know, the career) and he is super cute. And he knows it. We met at a party and, like all the boys I seem to attract, he lied to me about several things, mainly his career. His college career. Not that it matters, because this was then and that was before then. But, a lie is a lie and it's always a red flag. Anyway, Mason was at the party with a few of his friends, all of whom got my digitz but Mason laid claim to me because he of course kissed me before the night was over. Mason called me a couple of times after that, and we met up a few times after that, always at the bar, always late at night, always after drinking with other people (isn't it fabulous that this same ole story seems to generate so many fascinating stories?). Remember the story of Mr. IDD? OK, well, Mr. IDD, Mason and a boy I will call Gastleman (more on him later) were all good friends. And all players. I had been to a few late night bar meetups with Mason when I met Mr. IDD. The girls and I had gone to this great pub with outdoor seating one night and Mr. IDD met us for a bit. We were sharing a laugh when I saw Mason walk in with not one, but two, girls. You can imagine my disgust when I realized what a player he was! Because I'm smooth, I sent Mason a text message asking him to meet me at this fabulous pub with outdoor seating. He responded with "not when you're already there with my best friend." Not only did that make me feel like a complete moron, but right after I received that text, Gastleman came in with a girl. I had also gone on a couple of dates with Gastleman and was just really feeling badly about myself that I had convinced myself that while I was dating three friends, they were each only dating me. It was at this point that Mason decided he had had enough of moi.

About 3 months later, I run into Mason at the gym and things quickly picked back up. I demanded to be more than just the weekday girl - I have a theory that you should always be wary of a boy who will not see you on the weekends - and Mason made me the weekday AND the weekend girl. We went to dinners, we went on walks, we spent countless hours talking and laughing and I found that he was much more than just a pretty face. All of my friends told me to stop seeing him. He had proven he was a player, and word gets around fast, and they were all convinced he was still a player. But, I was convinced I could convince HIM to change.his.ways. Because, they ALWAYS do! Things progressed well and we agreed to meet up at this huge charity holiday party. I told the girls if Mason did indeed follow through on his promise to meet up with me at the party, and introduce me to his friends, then they had to trust his intentions were true and he had indeed turned over a new leaf. I mean, if he's introducing me to his friends, and walking around with me on his arm, then clearly he is serious. So, he showed up alright. He showed up nice and inebriated and things promptly got out of hand. Of course I thought he should be paying more attention to me, and he thought he had done his duty by introducing me to a few friends. My friends I left the party out of hunger and I sent several text messages to him letting him know where I was, what I was eating, that I was going home, and finally, where was he and why was he not responding to me. Needless to say, I never heard from him again. He didn't respond to my texts, he didn't call me, he never showed up on my chat list, and we were no longer friends on facebook. The audacity! I ran into him about 4 months later at the gym where he told me I had gone crazy and he had freaked out. He also told me he was dating someone else but asked if we could be friends again. I obliged and he unblocked me on the chat list. We're still not friends on facebook, and it's been over 2 years.

I hear he's still dating that girl but that he misses me some. Every now and then he'll message me on chat and suggest we meet up for a rendevousz. A what?!?!? I guess he really is a player. I should have listened to my friends. When I saw him at the gym tonight, my heart melted a little bit. And while I realized once again how I shouldn't waste such warm and fuzzy feelings on a guy like this, he's just so cute that how can I help it? I've decided I will add him as a friend on facebook.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

I have a story to tell you. but, because it is so much more appropriate to copy and paste the online conversation.

background: this boy got placed in the tool shed some time ago. he also hates the one sports team that i actually support consistently (keep in mind i am what you may call a 'fair weather' type fan. i pride myself in the fact that i will dress the part of number one fan but will never leave a game unhappy). the team i love happens to be the number one basketball team in town (and who doesn't love a number one) and he went to a rival school (come to think of it, and yes i know this is a lot of parantheticals, part of my team's fight song includes the words go to hell [insert his school]). he is also currently looking for a couch.

additional background: i was engaged once. all you need to know about my broken engagement is that it left me deeply wounded and is not something i ever joke about. EVER.

me: hmm well whatever
i love them
and you do not
10:43 AM him: that is correct
10:47 AM i guess it explains your love for frat boys and douchbaggery
me: hahahah
whatev - im so over frat boys and douch bags
10:48 AM im only hangin gout with the ones who treat me well now
but that school is just a-ok with me!
him: haha
you are such a flavor of the week type girl
10:49 AM me: no im not
him: how were u ever engaged?
me: ouch
him: im just saying
me: when i commit - i commit well
him: the last one was more of a joke
not tryign to bash your commitment skills
me: it better have been - im a good catch and he's a fool
10:50 AM him: it was rhetorical
10:52 AM don't u hate getting emails and contacted by ex's u don't wanna talk to
my ex just sent me an email on a huge distbn list trying to sell a couch
10:53 AM me: well you need a couch
him: i do
but not a pretty pink floral one
10:58 AM me: a couch is couch

33 minutes
OK. where do i even begin? First off, who the hell does he think he is that he can call me a flavor of the week type of girl? because i think if you're going to make out with your friend in the bar on numerous occasions, then you should also treat them to dinner and actually take them on a date? i'm a flavor of the week type of girl because i continually get asked out by dbags and move on to the next one when i realize what a douche they are? and who are you sir to question how i was ever engaged? just because you've become privaleged enough to know that piece of my history does not mean you can question the validity of it. nor does it mean that even though much time has passed, that the bee doesn't still sting a little. just because we've chatted online daily up until this conversation does not mean i've granted you access to the inner workings of my brain or given you any insight into the pain, humliation and utter depression i suffered because of that time in my life. anyone who would make a comment like that, joking or not, is not my real friend. nor are they anyone worthy of my interest, time and effort.

i have not spoken to him since. i don't know if he gave in and bought the couch from his ex. his ability to change the subject to soften the blow, but his absolute inability to apologize for a crass comment such as the one above proved to me so much of what i knew in my heart but really didn't want to believe: a couch is a couch, a jerk is a jerk, a douche is a douche, and you are officially a member of the shed.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

No, there is NOT a deeper issue

So, i told the tomato farmer i would go to a movie with him. he'd been bugging me anyway and i figured i should go and see how it went before really making a decision about him. i was pretty much leaning towards NOT liking him though. but, my week got busy, i got stressed out, and i just didn't have time to go to the movies. plus, i was heading out of town for a wedding and had a lot of shiznit to do before i left. so i sent him a txt and told him i needed to reschedule and would call him later to explain. he responded a whole FOUR hours later with, "i would like to speak with you when you have a minute." he would like to SPEAK with me?? did i not just tell him i would call him LATER?? so i resent the "i will call you later" txt. he responded with "before 9 please." oh good grief. who does he think he is? so i didn't respond. i went about my beeswax, got my stuff done, and called him at 8:30. he told me he didn't expect me to be all gung-ho about him but that he had pretty simplistic expectations of me and that was to be able to spend time with me. ok, first off, dude, we ain't a couple. second off, who the hell do you think you are? i told him i had a lot to do and he had to understand at this point that of course i'm not going to be all "gung-ho" about it and there are other people involved by now too. i told him i would call him when i got back from the wedding and we could get together. we ended it there but he called later and left me a voicemail that he didn't want to be a burden and he was sorry for being dramatic; he'd been running on his emotions with me for a few weeks now. i didn't call him back - i went to the wedding and didn't think about him once. i repeat: i did not think about him AT ALL.

so this past weekend, as i was driving 6 hours to visit a friend, i decided i needed to let him know how i felt. i mean, he went to such great lengths to tell me how he felt, and i at least owed him an "i'm not interested." So I called him up. he answered, found out what i was doing and replied with, "i'd really like to see you when you get back in town." I replied with "i would love to hang out with you but it will have to be as friends. I know this isn't an over the phone conversation but i'm not able to go out to dinner right now and i'd rather not lead you on." He thanked me for the clarification then told me to shout at him sometime and hung up before i could say anything else. i'm talking i got a busy signal in my ear. i also got a txt in my inbox that said (and I quote for emphasis): "Why did u feel the need 2 do that? i had pretty much written it off anyway when you stood up last week. i'm not bitter, just curious. something deeper u not sharing?"

ok. do i even want to get started? first, don't send me a txt using numbers for words. second, you had NOT pretty much written it off (and ps, i didn't stand you up. i told you i needed to reschedule. a stand up would have just not shown up). if you had really pretty much written it off, you would have not left me an apology voicemail and you wouldn't have told me right away that you wanted to see me. period. and fourth, why do i have to have a deeper issue because i don't like you? obviously i must have SOMETHING wrong with me for not being interested! i mean what kind of girl disses a tomato farmer? obviously one with MENTAL ISSUES. whatever dude. i didn't respond to the text. i got to my friend's house and spent another weekend not thinking about him.

I believe this will be the last post about the tomato farmer.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

an emoticon

I got a message last night on facebook from hair. It said "sooooooo.....who's susan rivers? :)"

there are so many things wrong with this. let me list them out for you:
1. we had beach time
2. susan rivers is one of my best friends
3. why would you think it is appropriate for you to ask me about one of my best friends after we had beach time?
4. that's like me asking you who your best friend is and hinting for you to hook me up.
5. that's like you saying i'm not good enough but my best friend is.

i am not jealous in an 'i like him' kind of way. i am mad that this guy is such a doosh that he thinks it is entirely appropriate and acceptable for him to inquire me about one of my best friends. and trust me, it is OBVIOUS how good of friends we are from the facebook pictures. not to mention he tried to talk to our group in a bar one night and i reminded them all of who he was and they all spun on their heels and walked away.

everything about this message was wrong and just really made me mad. i think i'm most irritated at myself though...some dbags you can't get over wishing you had never met them. i called another one of my best friends and told her what his message said. she screamed (yes, screamed) "hair is SUCH a tool."

i do not know how to explain this whole thing other than he is a tool and i am constantly amazed and bewildered at the audacity some tools have. PLEASE go to dubai and find yourself...or someone. ugh.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

i had dinner with the tomato farmer last night. now, before you judge, hear me out. i re-read my earlier post about him and it was a little angry, huh? i didn't mean to give off the impression that he is a bad guy. because he isn't.

he started calling me around thanksgiving and i never picked up the phone. in dec., he sent me a txt asking me to please call him when i got a chance. i responded to his txt that i would when i wasn't so busy. i never did. he called and called again and over the weekend, i answered. he asked me to go to dinner. i obliged. i mean, he had put forth a lot of effort to get in touch with me and i'm really just not angry with him. plus, when it comes down to it, he's my friend. so we met at a little diner not far from my house and we had a really nice time. we chatted about all kinds of things from the past few months of our lives and we laughed about some things from the past. he also brought up everything that happened this past summer...

he apologized for the way things happened and the way things turned out. he said he had thought a lot about the things i said to him and he never meant to hurt me. he said he understands completely why i was hurt and why i had to walk away. he said he thought he was making the right decision by sticking to his word and letting her come. he said he had always tried to be a man of his word and he really believed the only way to be a man of your word is to follow through on committments and uphold those promises. he said he had been honest with me from the beginning and he would always be honest with me. he said he regretted the way things turned out with us, and not only because they didn't work out with her. he said he regretted it because he really felt like we "mesh well together." he said the fact that i wouldn't answer his calls spoke loudly to him and he knew he had a lot of work to do to make it up to me. he said he wanted that chance. when i was leaving, he tried to kiss me. i gave him my cheek.

i know you're judging me. stop judging me! i haven't let him back in, i haven't put all my eggs in his basket, i didn't even let him kiss me (and we all know I enjoy a nice kiss every now and then!)! i'm actually not sure how i feel. if i look at the facts, plain and simple, it's like this: he was honest with me and he let me walk away because he felt like he had to fulfill a promise. he now wants to make it up to me. he said he was sorry, he said he was wrong, he asked how he could make it up to me, and he asked for forgiveness. he was genuine. he acknowledged he made a mistake and he wants to rectify it. now, when i compare that to many other guys i know, they would not go to such lengths to apologize for something they had done to hurt me, especially if they felt like they had been honest all along and i had still gotten myself involved.

we'll see what happens. we do have a history, and we do get along. and now that she is out of the picture (he even said please believe me when i say i am done with that situation for good), it was almost as though it was a first date again. i believe he is coming to me with open hands to try something with me again. i'm not opposed to seeing him again. that's the next step to take. but don't worry. he isn't getting my full attention and i'm definitely not going to pass up going out with other people if the opportunity arises. he can come to me completely open and want to start fresh and i will remain strong and keep my wits about me.

don't hate.

just one of the guys

disclaimer: i feel the need for this because the below post is not about a tool. while this blog is mainly about the tools i've met along the way, some of them are more clueless than just flat out dbags. so unless i call the particular guy a tool, a dbag, or any other type of word, he may or may not be a tool or a dbag.

i had this realization. there's this group of guys that my girlfriends and i hang around with when we go out. it's pretty standard - they're always in the same place on the same nights of the week, so we always know if we want to have a rowdy time, to just be on their schedule and a rowdy time will be had by all. it's a great group of guys; they all went to college together, they're all intelligent, have good jobs, charming, cute, witty, and the list goes on. the only problem is the jury is still out on whether or not they are date-able. there's one or two that are definitely tools and a half, but the majority of them are just fun guys (so maybe it's not entirely fair to them to write about them on this blog. but whatever).

my girlfriends and i have had our fun kissing various ones from the group (there's a running joke about how we've kissed the same ones) but it's become a pretty regular occurrence for one of the guys and moi to make out in their favorite bar (classy, i know). he's become a good friend of mine: we chat over gmail almost every day, see each other at the gym and share the occasional txt message (and i get some funny phone calls late at night on his walks home from the bar). so of course, because i love men and the attention and i'm sure we could go on and on about how this is all my fault, i develop a crush on this guy. and by the way, i love the word crush. it's so sophomoric yet not, all at the same time. and it's just so fitting: you don't love the guy, you don't even know if you like him. but he's fun to flirt with and you enjoy your time with him. hence, the crush. so anyway, it came to my attention during a g-chat conversation that he and the other guys think of me as one of them. i'm just one of the guys. now, that is partially ideal. it's great to be in with the guys because then there is a higher percentage that your crush will return the crush - i mean, what guy wants to date a girl that his friends don't accept? so being one of the guys and feeling like one of the guys is half the marathon, and i'm there (13.5 miles left to go!). but i realized that we shouldn't accept being one of the guys. because then the crush has a high percentage of a chance (or however you say it) of only seeing us as one of the guys and not as this great treasure that he needs to stake his claim on and protect.

so i emailed my friends and told them the crush was off. like clap on, clap off: crush on, crush off. i also informed the guy that i would no longer be making out with him in the bar. a very good, and wise, friend of mine has always said "actions speak louder" and it is SO true! actions speak so much louder than anything else. making out with someone can easily be read as a potential relationship developing, but it's not. and i'm not sure it's necessarily fair to the other person to assume that is what they mean when they make out with you, or try to get you to go home with them, or even succeed in taking you home (i mean hey, who wants to purchase the fattened cow when they can get one for free). if a guy is really interested, he's going to invest time and energy into getting to know you as a person and treating you with the respect you deserve. it's hard too, when the guy is a lot of fun, to not be tempted to go to the places you know he will be, or to return the affection when he makes a pass. it's just better to keep emotions out of it until you know someone's true intentions.

if you want to make out with me, take me on a date! make me feel like a freakin lady! otherwise, if you just want a make out buddy, why not just make out with one of your buddies. ya know, one of the guys. at least then you don't have to worry about it getting weird when one begins to develop a crush. well, it may be weird, but that's a different story.

Monday, January 19, 2009

i've got the cure for your problem baby

i chose my dentist for location and convenience. and i was literally mortified when he walked in and he was gorgeous. as in the kind of gorgeous where you sit straight up with that bib still on your neck and you feel like a big loser for not dressing up for the dentist. as in next time you're wearing a prom dress for the dentist kind of hot. as in going to the dentist will never be dreadful again. as in how in the heck are you supposed to get him to ask for your number with the crazy hygentist lurking around kind of hot.

my dentist spent 30 entirely unnecessary minutes explaining to me my jaw condition. it would have been one thing had i been able to understand a word he said. but he was using all kinds of medical jargon. maybe it was farsi. either way, i didn't understand. i did understand though that the fact that he stared me right in the eyes for the entire 30 minutes while massaging (yes, massaging) my jaw meant he might not be opposed to being interested in more than just my teeth. thank goodness he gave me a prescription and while i probably needed some more cowbell, it was just what the doctor ordered. after searching facebook for him (no luck) and emailing various friends to see if they knew him from high school (why is his bio on the dentist office's website?!), i decided to be a MAN and go after what i wanted: i called to ask him about my prescription. he didn't have voicemail so the hygentist made me leave her my name, number and tell her what my question was (question? what's a question?) and she promised he would call me back later. all i could come up was a lame "can i take this at work" question (he had specifically told me not to take it at work but she doesn't need to know that). i hung up feeling quite pleased with myself. i knew if he called, it would be from his cell phone. no one could deny that chemistry.

and call he did. he left me a voice mail with his personal cell number and told me to please call him with any other questions. i mean what's a girl to do other than call him back? so i called him back and explained that was a fake question, that i really just wanted him to have my number in case he wasn't seeing anyone. he responded that he was engaged but that he was really flattered and he was excited to see i had left him a number to call me back because he had been really attracted to me during my visit (engaged or not, i was totally wearing a prom dress at my next visit). i said something along the lines of oh well, it was worth a try, see ya. he proceeded to txt me for the rest of the night. at first it was hard not to get caught up in it but i finally came to my senses and told him he didn't sound very engaged and he shouldn't be txting me if he really was. this sort of banter was quite frequent for several weeks until i realized he was just needing to feel attractive and wanted since he was about to tie the knot. i told him that; he called me freud and that was that. i stopped responding all together.

but i really do have these jaw problems and one night, i freaked out and sent him a message about my jaw. he was equally worried (at the time we weren't sure how serious it was) and told me to come in asap for him to check it out. so i went. but i wore gym clothes and came straight from a workout. i honestly didn't expect the sweat to have a greater effect than a prom dress, but he txted me that night and the game started again. he kept asking me just to meet him out for a drink one night (turns out he and the fiancee live together and she was out of town) so i called my best friend and asked what i should do. i mean, was it really any different than meeting me a friend who was engaged? she told me to go so i wouldn't have to wonder anymore. so i went and i actually said i hoped we had a horrible time. only we didn't. we had a fabulous time and stayed out till 2 am. on a school night. he gave me his coat when i was cold, he held the door for me, he flirted, he tried to plant one, ok several, on me, he begged me not to leave at the end of the night, he called to make sure i got home ok when i did finally leave. he also said he had no intention of cheating on his wife when i asked him if he was planning on it after they got married. i told him that was false because he was trying to cheat on her while they were engaged. he said she had everything he wanted but they were lacking a physical relationship. i told him that wasn't going to get better after they got married and perhaps he should decide if she is what he wanted before they got any closer to the wedding.

he continued to text me for several days after this. i finally told him he had to stop - as long as she had a ring on her finger, nothing would happen with us. he told me he just wanted to show me how attracted he was to me. umm, that's a negative. the last time i had an appointment, i canceled. he didn't get in touch with me, wondering where i was. i think he got the hint. the whole thing was fascinating to me - how a man who says he is in love can have an emotional affair with a woman he barely knows to satisfy some part of his relationship he is obviously lacking. i guess it's more common that i realized. it was hard not to get caught up in it - i mean, i cannot sit here and say i wouldn't go out with him if they did break up. but then i look at the situation and i think, "but there is nothing to guarantee me he wouldn't do the same thing to me that he is doing to her." and i feel so badly for her. i feel like i learned so much from him without him even knowing he was teaching me.

i don't feel like he's a bad person. i feel like he was willing to make a bad decision and had i let it go further, he would have. i'm not trying to toot my own horn here people. i shouldn't have let it get past the first txt message - i should have told him not to contact me if he really was engaged or i should have not responded at all. and i dont have any excuse other than it was all so intriguing. i almost feel like instead of those jaw massages, i needed to be knocked in the head with a giant frying pan. this whole episode did nothing but feed his ego. and the bigger his ego got, the worse i felt about it all. i've followed his rules about things i need to do to improve the condition of my jaw but i'm glad i didn't follow his advances, if you will. if those jaw massages were any indicator...stop it.

this guy is probably the ultimate dbag. i wish i could give out an award. he'd win it for sure.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

dont kiss her in front of me

my friend told me about her friday night and i feel compelled to share it with you, my faithful readers. my friend january recently ran into an old friend at a local event. she was so excited that he remembered her because well, he's hot, and who doesn't get excited when a hot guy remembers them? he asked for her number and they proceeded to spend the next several weeks together, chatting on the phone, going out to dinner, he even went as far as to not only introduce her to his friends, but bring her entirely into his friend group so that his friends are now her friends and she even has arrangements to move in with one of the girls from his friend group. the past few weeks however, she's been a little concerned that perhaps he didn't feel the same way she did. he wasn't returning her calls as quickly and it seemed to almost be in rewind mode instead of fast forward. but he never restrained himself from making out with her.

so, this past friday, january, this guy and all of their friends (remember, she is just as much a part of his friend group as he is now) go out to dinner then to a dance club. where he proceeds to make out with another chick. yes, right in front of january. he even brings this other chick back to his house where everyone in the friend group had planned to stay the night. so january is left in the awkward position of having to ask him and his new friend to stand up from the couch so she can retrieve her coat and purse from where they were sitting. of course her feelings were hurt. she said it best when she said "even if i'm just your makeout buddy, don't make out with someone else in front of me!"

i'm just really getitng disheartened by all the dbags in this town, and it seems, on planet earth. where did guys get the impression that they no longer have to pursue us, fight for us, and just treat us with some common dignity? i told january she needs to call him out on it. she should ask him what he was trying to accomplish by doing that, or she should just tell him that she doesn't hang out with guys who kiss other girls in front of her. he obviously hasn't ever had anyone call him out on his completely inappropriate actions and put him in his place. january doesn't want to do that because its just so completely awkward for her. one friend said to act like she doesnt care because that will make him chase her. i disagree. games are fine until you get hurt. and then you have to either stand up for yourself or just walk away and not let it bother you. if you aren't willing to stand up for yourself and put someone in their place, then you cant be upset with them for not meeting your expecations.

but speaking of expectations, for the first few months after i got back into the dating scene, i thought maybe my expectations were just too high. i don't think so. i don't think it's too much to expect that if a guy is interested in you, he will let you know. don't tell me to meet you out at the bar. don't only txt me or facebook me or communicate with me in other internetable ways. MAN UP and call me! MAN UP and take me on a date! wasn't it meredith grey who said "I want heat! I want romance! damn it, i want to feel like a freakin' lady!" guys these days just dont want to put the effort into dating someone anymore. they want to meet a girl in the bar, take her home, then not have to talk to her again. or, they want to take a girl to dinner a few times, take her home, and then not talk to her again. i can't tell you how many guys txt me to meet them out on the weekends, but they don't call me during the week, and they certainly don't ask me to dinner.
there's something to be said for getting to know someone as friends first, but bottom line is, if you're interested in her, you should take her to dinner, and romance her and really let her know that you want to spend time with her. making out in the bar is fun and it's fine every now and then. we all do it. but that isn't a relationship and it's not a valid way to get to know someone. i dont think i can scream it any louder. if you want to get to know me, if you are interested in me , then flippin ask me on a date and be a MAN. stop being a boy. i like pansies but only the garden variety. i like boys but i prefer men. and i certainly dont want any type of male who doesn't have enough balls to ask me on a date and make me feel like a freakin' lady!

hey can you not post those to facebook?

Recently, I was a bridesmaid in the wedding of a good friend of mine from school. she married a sweet boy from another state. her family is small and his is large, so they chose to have their wedding in his hometown. for years this fabulous couple has spoken about how much fun it would be if his best friends met her best friends because they would all get along so well. i don't think they anticipated just how well the best friends would get along.

the bride and groom had a wedding website and one of the groomsmen posted his congratulations along with a notice to all bridesmaids that he was on the hunt for his wife at this wedding and we better hone our dancing skills. now, anyone who knows me knows that 1: i cannot resist a good dance off and b, i cannot resist a good smack talking sesh. i responded to his post to which he responded with a facebook friendship request. i accepted and for the three weeks leading up to the wedding, we traded messages about the dance off that would ensue at the wedding. i was super curious to meet this badass from cali.

i was not impressed when i first met him. he came in saying "where's my girl" and i so wish i could demonstrate his little jig he did when he met me. he also looked like he was from cali, and i, well, do not (not to mention that sometimes people from this area of Cali dress a little...dooshy) . we hugged and that was that. it wasn't until the rehearsal dinner that the trash talking came to a head and we both realized how much chemistry there was between us. we danced all night in between our sneaks off to makeout in the darkened hallway (yes, we really snuck off to makeout in the dark hallways and i enjoyed it). we followed the rest of the wedding party back to the groom's parent's house for some hot tub action. the hot tub was scandalous and delicious (all maids and men had paired off) and it was literally some of the steamiest kissing i've experienced. we didn't see each other until the next day when we walked down the aisle at the wedding. he said to me "i've been waiting to kiss those juicy red lips of yours all day." sweet, right? yes. at the reception we danced and dined and drank. there were dance offs galore. the entire wedding party went back to the aforementioned house where we paired off again. this groomsman, another groomsman (who happens to be his best friend) and i went to a back bedroom where we stayed up until the wee hours talking and eating pizza. i was so intrigued by this professional athlete from the west coast who said he was moving to the east coast to play for a team out here.

the next day we all get the great idea to go into town, rent a big hotel room and party all night. the big hotel room didn't make much sense though since everyone was ready to go to bed at different times. he and i got our own room where we watched movies and talked all night. the next morning, as i got ready for my early flight out, he asked me if i was ever going to talk to him again. i said that was up to him. he responded with "oh, you and i are going to be seeing a lot more of each other." i told him i had a great time and i got on my jet plane. i love the feeling a really fun weekend leaves you with. little did i know how dramatic this boy would turn out to be...

i received a txt from him asking me to not post any pictures to facebook of us. well hell-o, sounds like someone must have a girlfriend. he even went as far as to tell me he doesn't have a girlfriend but he doesn't like dealing with the headache of having to explain. he also said he didn't think the two world's best kissers (i am actually quite the kiss-artist) needed to put it on display for all of facebook to see. im not even sure he even considered the fact that i might have my own situations and might lack a desire to get myself in trouble. i was pretty irritated however that he was take a weekend fling and turn it into something dramatic in just a few short text messages. one of the other maids had some telling pictures that i asked her to email to me. i then emailed him one of us kissing and said "so i'm confused. am i supposed to post and tag this or not?" i admit - it was slightly bitchy on my part and i'm not surprised i haven't heard back. i also posted on his wall something funny about a rapper we both enjoy and he deleted the post. yes my readers, he DELETED the post. haven't i already said you don't delete me? and wait, weren't you the one who asked me if i was ever going to talk to you again?

turns out this guy totally has a girlfriend. maybe they don't have that title, but some girl keeps posting pics of them together at various places around town, and i'm just assuming she's the one he was worried about catching him when he sent me those txts. i mean, call me crazy but when you show up in a family picture, you're obviously more than just some RANDO. at first my feelings were hurt that he sent me those txts (i guess some guys don't want to brag to their friends), but the more i've studied his profile, the more i've realized he's just an honest tool and he doesn't know any better. and i'm guessing he deleted my wall post because he doesn't want to have to deal with THAT headache. that's alright. he deleted my wall post, so now i've deleted him as a friend. it really is SO refreshing to do that.

Monday, January 12, 2009

the tools don't get sharper

so the tomato farmer is back. oh yes, i totally called this one. it didn't work out with his lady friend. so he's been calling me. as a matter of fact, i got a txt at 4 pm yesterday asking me to go to the movies with him (this is AFTER he called last week to tell me things hadn't worked out with her and he wanted to spend some time with me...please). i said i had dinner plans to which he responded "would you care to join me after that?" ummm would I care to? that's a negative ghost rider. did he not learn ANYTHING the first go round after i told him time after time not to ask me out last minute? and how about the whole passing up something good with me for a maybe with her? i'm not going to be your second choice pal. did you think i was kidding when i said that?

i guess this is just proof that tools don't get sharper, they only get duller the more they sit in the shed.

OMG, we're not bff anymore?

Sorry, it's been awhile. I've been dealing with weddings galore, holidays, and of course, tool boxes so big my arms hurt from trying to lug them around in my mind.

I borrowed this title from an article I saw in the Wall Street Journal. It was about the art of "unfriending" on facebook, myspace, and other social networking sites. Now, this definitely caught my attention because I love deleting friends on facebook. it's not meant to be mean or callous or cause hurt feelings. it's simply because i am friends with a lot of people that i do not talk to regularly. so why should they be privy to all aspects of my life? i mean, i guess i shouldn't enable all aspects of my life to be open to the public domain but whatever. i'm a double standard in the best form possible.

so, i log on to facebook in an attempt to delete a particular person...we'll call him boat boy. and lo and behold, i find he is no longer on my friends list. wtf...i know he didn't delete me! i know HE did not delete ME! after i got over my initial shock that someone actually had the nerve to delete me, i decided it was definitely time to blog about him.

i'm involved with a local young professionals organization and we had a party aboard a yacht; a booze cruise if you will. boat boy was a boat hand for the evening; the hired help if you will. but he was hot hired help. all the girls are flirting with him but i wasn't worried. at the end of the night, being in no shape to drive my car to the after party, he offered to drive it for me. i obliged and off we went. we showed up late to the after party - i mean, since he was hired help and all, he had to help clean the boat while i sat in the car and wondered what in the world i had gotten myself into. at the after party, we dance, we hold hands, we kanoodle as people in bars often do on or around a pool table. when the night was over, we both realized how hungry we were, so we drove to a local hot dog stand, got some dogs, and took them back to my condo. we stayed up ALL night talking about life, love and everything along the way. He confided that he took his job in NC (at the time of our meeting, he'd been in the city for about 2 months) because he had prayed about it and God had really laid it on his heart to be here. I don't care what your religious affiliation is: nothing is sexier than a hot man talking about God, even if he does have hot dog breath and a mustard stain on his shirt. He got my number, manages to get back home, and proceeds to text message me about hanging out again soon.

unfortunately, the story doesn't end there. he and i get into somewhat of a text messaging argument over a girl we'll call Susan. i have a friend named susan, whom he had met at the after party that night, and he was telling me he really liked susan. they were not and are not one in the same and i most definitely put my foot in my own mouth that night. i accused him of being a player and going behind my back to get to know my friend susan while leading me on. i was especially angry with him because i honestly thought i had found a real winner who prayed about life decisions and really was an upstanding Christian man. boy was I WRONG. after these texts, i decided to do some investigating and came to the realization that he was indeed dating susan. only it was not my susan. but i was involved in an organization with his susan, so that was just weird, because i don't think she had any idea that he still kept in contact with me. so i stopped responding and moved on. i wanted the story to end there.

susan and boat boy broke up. know how i know? because he started gchatting me and wanting to know why i never talked to him anymore. at this point, i messaged his roommate, who i think is actually a nice guy, and told him boat boy had hurt my feelings about the whole susan situation. i'm not sure what the roommate said to boat boy, but boat boy apologized. i don't like to hold grudges. he asked me out repeatedly for about 2 months before i said ok. he said a group of his friends were getting together for some drinks and would i please go with him. i'm not sure why i said ok. oh wait, i know why. because he is extremely good looking and i just can't say no to a doosh. in theory, i can, but in reality, they are charming. so i go, we have a good time, i think his roommate bought my glass of wine. i go home, he txts me, says he wants to hang out again that same week. i said i didn't know if i would have the time due to my hectic work schedule. plus, i don't know if i even liked him at this point.

the next day, he g-chats me and the convo turns to sex. yes, s-e-x. after a group date. i tell him i'm not sleeping with anyone until i get married. he spends about 25 minutes blasting me over gchat for what a dumb decision that is and how no one would put up with that. i told him i didn't think it really should matter and that he wouldn't be the first person to not hang out with me again because of this decision.

i wasn't surprised to not get a response from him. then i hear through the grapevine he moved home. then i go to delete him and turns out he's deleted me.

so when i see this article in the paper, i immediately think of him. thank god we're not facebook bffs anymore. only a tool would delete me from his friend list for not sleeping with him. i, on the other hand, delete people for MUCH better reasons.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

at least we're not in dubai

I went to the beach with some friends awhile back. i actually went with the hopes of getting a little bit closer to this one guy (don't you worry, he'll be written about in a future post). i hadn't been able to eat much all week because of some jaw problems i was having, so needless to say, the night ended up being quite a scene at the beach bar down the way.

as soon as i got there, the best friend of the aforementioned doosh started hitting on me. we'll call him hair. because he prides himself on his mop. and it IS quite the mop. i actually wouldn't mind scrubbing the floor with his mop. yes, he deserves THAT kind of respect. hair delivers to me drink after drink and before i know it, i've had one too many. what's that saying? one tequila, two tequila, four tequila, floor? I wasn't drinking tequila so it really doesn't matter but you get my drift. the night escapes us and we find ourselves walking on the beach. oh please - i've waited my whole life to walk on the beach with a hottie with great hair. and it turns out nothing like i envisioned. we of course had to make out amidst the sand dunes with the moon as our back drop. And of course we spent the remainder of the trip acting like nothing happened.

I didn't try to contact him since an initial "have fun doing such and such and safe travels" email, to which he replied in an incredibly dooshy manner that included an emoticon. YES MY FRIENDS, AN EMOTICON. Wow, number one sign of an extremely LARGE doosh. It came complete with sunglasses and a big smile. have you ever noticed how emoticons really make people mad more than anything else? you see one and all you can do is search on google for the emoticon that has the middle finger sticking up and the tongue sticking out. i would love to send all tools THAT emoticon. However, when I sent out a request for some political volunteers, he sent me back an ultra dooshy response about being on the beach again. He then followed up with a link to an article about a couple who got arrested for hooking up on the beach in Dubai. His dooshy follow up? "Thank goodness we weren't in Dubai!"

Yeah dooshbag. Thank goodness we weren't in Dubai. I would NEVER travel that far with you. emoticon THAT you tool. You deserve TWO emoticons, but definitely NOT a trip to Dubai.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Do you want seconds? oh by the way, I don't date

I met Mr. I Don't Date (hereinafter referred as Mr. IDD) in a bar. I know, I know. But, I cannot tell a lie. A friend of mine and I had left a party and gone to the bar and secured a table. Mr. IDD and several of his tool box companions came over and started chitchatting. We ended up shagging (a form of southern US dance for all you non-beach music lovers) and I just knew I was in love. He was VERY good looking, smart, had a good job (I'd already secured a business card for proof) and could shag. We left the bar shortly thereafter and moved on to another bar and eventually, back to my car to go home.

I am ashamed to admit that I fell for the cardinal trick of dooshbaggery. He pretended to already know where my car was, since I couldn't remember (keep in mind I had just met this guy and although we had already determined we had several mutual friends...enough for me to know he was at least not an ax murderer...he had no idea what kind of car I drove) so we proceeded to ride up and down the elevator, stopping at EVERY level and kissing. yes my friends, I fell for this. i'm so embarassed.

we finally found my car (notice my use of the word we. because HE had SO much to do with it). we got in, drove to his house and he asked me to walk him to the door. what? is this a date now and i'm the man? i did. because i'm a faller for really big tools. i leave him there at his door and go home. 3 days later i get the call. yes, i will have dinner with you. you're going to make me dinner? man, this guy gets better and better!

i show up at his house on a tues. he serves salmon, asparagus, something else, and wine. we sit at the table just talking and talking and enjoy our date. and in the middle of our conversation, before asking me if he can get me seconds, he drops the bomb: "by the way, I don't date." EXCUSE ME SIR, ARE WE NOT ON A DATE? he was completely serious. i sat there for a moment then realized I had suddenly lost my appetite. I got up, delivered my plate to the sink, thanked him for dinner and walked out.

You may not date pal, but I don't date dooshbags. Or tools. And I definitely DO NOT date you, MR. IDD.

Friday, October 24, 2008

How about we meet for dinner and CUSS at each other.

yes my friends, that is how an actual date with this tool started. ok, so that's somewhat false. i found his picture on facebook through mutual friends and sent him a message after learning we lived in the same town (hey, who doesn't want just one more facebook friend?!). I told him to let me know if he ever wanted to meet for coffee. Please note I only said coffee. NOT a couch visit, not a drunken phone call, coffee. He responded with something like "sure, that sounds great. I work downtown..."

Excuse me. did he just dot dot dot me? I responded with "i live [in a certain part of town] and work downtown..." he responded with "okay..." THIS GUY BLOWS! What happened to men taking the proactive role and making a move? So I suggested Tues. He says ok and gives me his number. I txt him so he will have mine. I mean, i can't take this hand holding I'm having to do. He responds with "hon do you even know how old I am?" so many things wrong. 1. he called me hon. can he patronize me a LITTLE bit more? 2. yes i know how old he is. his facebook screams it. he's 10 years older than me. and 3. let's talk again about what a tool he is. why am I holding HIS hand when he CLEARLY thinks he is the adult here? There is a reason this guy got the dooshbag label stuck on him. By this point, I'm agitated. I respond with "wow, I love being patronized. let's forget about tuesday." BIG MISTAKE.

I get a drunk txt at 5 AM. Seriously? And he wants me to know how old he is? Please. He won't leave me alone. He's hot on my trail now that I say forget it. I can't resist a true d-bag. I have to respond. after a few really ridiculous and immature "you just want my body" txts from him (keep in mind I have NEVER met this guy so how can i want his body?) i agree to meet him for ONE drink. On a weekend night. that way, his night will be ruined because he has made plans with me but I intend to leave after one drink. plus, I have to work the next morning so it's better for me to call it a night early on. i think he just wants some bootay. you're barking up the wrong tree buddy.

I just received this text: "how about we meet for dinner and cuss at each other?" CUSS? Give me a break. does he want me to walk in and scream hey asshole over here when I see him? Maybe he will tell me to go to hell. whatever dude. this guy is a total loser. and a dooshbag. and i can't wait to blog about him after what is sure to be the BEST date of my ENTIRE life. wow, how did I ever get so lucky! I just wanted to see my friend number on facebook increase by one!

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Side Note

I don't want to give off the wrong impression here. i'm not a bitter woman. i'm not an angry woman. i just don't have much tolerance anymore for the bar stars. when I say someone is a dooshbag, it's in the nicest way :) Referring to people as dooshbags or tools are some of the most common things I do. It's not because I have a superiority complex either.

you're gonna be rich? yessss.

imagine you're on a blind date. the guy's a nerd, but he's not intolerable. you're at a fab wine bar, having a glass and gnawing (ok, so maybe you aren't GNAWING, but i just love that word) on some delish calamari. imagine the conversation is all one sided. and it's all about him. and his job. and how much money he makes. seriously? yes. seriously.

the food and drink were great. the company? not so great. as soon as we got there, and got the initial "hi, my name is" out of the way, he immediately delved into his job. He was a lawyer. And a CPA. he had a masters in something else. went to three very good schools. he dressed well. he wasn't so bad looking. he had great teeth. but after he told me about how his first job had sought him out, and he decided it wasn't challenging enough, he told me how several big name law firms had squabbled over him and he had finally committed to one. he hadn't started yet. he wasn't worried though. he knew they would come back to him fairly quickly with a start date. the firm was lucky to get him. he wasn't looking for anything serious. he just wanted to find someone to sleep with. yes my friends, i was on a date with this winner.

he told me how much money he made. and how much money he would have in the bank in five years (ooops, I guess you didn't take into account the stock market plunge). after dinner, he asked me to come see his condo and tell him what i thought of his couch. what a line, sweet talker. how did you know i've been dying to see your couch? i have NO idea what this one really implies. i was really torn too. this guy blew and i knew what was coming. BUT, his condo was in a really phat building in the center of town and i had been dying to get inside and take a peek. and here was my chance! ahh, decisions decisions....

we got to his condo and it was everything i had heard and had been dying to see. floor to ceiling windows, the sleekest granite you've seen, the richest wood floors, the smoothest tile in the bathrooms. he had it decorated nicely. he immediately sat down on the couch and offered to open a bottle of wine. umm, no thanks. my thirst has been quenched with the viewing of your condo. i yawned and told him i needed to go home.

i forgot to tell him what i thought of his couch. it matched my opinion of him. and i don't want to sleep on it.

your tomato stakes belong in the tool shed

There's always that one guy that we can't ever seem to shake...ya know, the most popular boy in high school. He always played football (or in this case, football AND soccer), could do what he wanted because the teachers loved him, the guys thought he was so manly and the girls just wanted to touch his long hair and have him look at them.

I grew up with this kid. Literally. he started mooning me the summer we met. I was 7. He was almost 8. he and his brother were the cutest kids in the 'hood. there was a big group of us kids that always played together - we would go to swim practice in the mornings, then spend our afternoons and nights playing together. As we got older, the nights became more important. The sun would set, the lightning bugs would light up, and our group would stay up late into the night talking and being teenagers. And all of us girls secretly wanted a kiss from one of the brothers. there were other boys in our crew but they weren't these boys. The summer nights also involved a lot of toilet paper, eggs and paint ball guns. It became a bit of a war: my older brother and me vs. those brothers. I have found myself laughing over the years about the night they paint balled our house. My parents had just gotten the trim painted and the window was open. an orange paint ball flew into the window and hit the wall above their bed. my parents called the police but knew who it was all along.

after the youngest brother (and the cutest) graduated, the family moved to another state. i'm being honest when i say i never gave them another thought (i mean, besides the paint balling). you don't have to believe me if you don't want to. about 6 months ago, i was sitting at...drum roll please...the BAR with two of my bff's and this extremely attractive MAN swaggered up to me (he was like a cowboy out of Hollywood!) and started talking. I just looked at him. It was one of those "this man is incredibly attractive and I know I should know him" moments. Finally, he realized I didn't remember him and he introduced himself and my heart flipped and flopped all around its chest cavity. he proceeded to sit down, join in our club meeting and then he wouldn't leave! he finally got the hint, got my number, and he was off. i called my mom to tell her and all she could say was "oh lord, he's back."

after that night, he pursued me like i was going outta style. he would call and talk in his thick state-specific accent and his swagger was enough to make any girl melt. he was tall - much taller than anyone i had dated before and his shoulders would surround me when we hugged. he was a gentleman and it was hard not to be entranced. he told me i had to get over all of my sophomoric impressions about him from high school before we would be able to really have fun. he did his research, learned about a few important events in my life that have shaped me and seemed to know just how to treat me when i responded the way i responded. he met my friends. he cooked me dinner. he wanted to talk about serious issues, not just surface level facades. he played the piano growing up and one night, he played me a song he had written and sang to me in italian. i thought i had died and gone to lovers heaven. the cooking, the singing, the piano playing, the books, the dreams of tomato harvesting; these were things i had only dreamed of ever finding in someone. we were soul mates and all the elizabeth barrett browning quotes started flooding back to me.

he was harboring a nasty secret though. He had a girlfriend (i'm sorry...a lady friend, if you will) in another state. they had met one summer vacationing and had kept in touch for several years, seeing each other once every 4 months. Now THERE's a relationship for you. They had come to an agreement of sorts...they were free to date other people but she would be moving to his town in the fall to try things out for an unspecified amount of time. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? he wanted me to know about her; honesty was a big things for him. it was completely one sided honesty though, which i guess makes it not...honest? i appreciated his honesty - he knew my past and my heart and knew i couldn't get hurt like that again. however, he HAD to be honest. he knew i would find out anyway. this town isn't that big. the longer this went on, the more i realized my emotions were going to be involved. but his were too - if he was being honest about his feelings. one saturday, as i climbed into his car, i noticed a purple hallmark card envelope with her name on the back (he had slipped and told me her name one night). I realized then that it wasn't what i thought. until that point, he had painted a picture of an obligation to an old friend, something he couldn't get out of because he was a man of integrity and good moral character. but it was merely an obligation; he didn't see it going anywhere. i asked him if she knew about me and he said no, because of their agreement not to tell the other of their dates, but also because she would be extrememly hurt if she knew about me (keep in mind this entire time he had been saying she wasn't his girlfriend). once again, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? i told him i didn't know of too many girls that would take a semester off GRADUATE school to move to some rando town to try things out with some dude who was not her boyfriend. i told him i couldn't do it anymore. i was done.

i saw him a couple of months ago for the first time...he swaggered up to me and whispered in my ear that he wanted to spend more time with me. it was hard not to get all pitter pattery inside; warm breath on my ear never sounded so sexy. i said no and reminded him of the night i asked him if he was willing to give up something good with me for a maybe with her and he had replied yes. he made his choice. i will NOT be an after thought. a second choice. the greener grass on the other side. he said she had come to visit for a weekend and it hadn't gone so well. the month or longer stay was being revisited and they were deciding if it was the best decision for them. sorry buckaroo. you made your choice.

about once a week since then, i've gotten a text or a call from him, asking me to do something. i appreciate his efforts. but the thing is, he always gets in touch with me an hour or two BEFORE he wants to do something. really? don't call me at the last minute. i love that he has the audacity to get mad at me when i turn him down. the last time he got in touch with me, it was at 4:30 on a Saturday to do something at 7 that evening. i told him no. i had friends in town. and plans. and it was saturday for crying out loud. i guess i haven't been able to get over him so i spend my saturdays waiting for him to find me. please. he retorted that he would not be asking me again; i had turned down too many offers. if i wanted to hang out with him, i would have to seek him out. umm, ok TOOL BOX. thank you for letting me know.

there are things about him that i can not live with. things that i knew about him from growing up with him. things i learned about him while dating him. but i was willing to make concessions for him. was it because it was right to be with him or because it was such a good story (think about it: childhood enemies turned lovers. and our families get along!) that i was willing to settle? a deal killer is a deal killer. period. and having another girlfriend, no matter how honest you think you are being, is a big ole fat deal killer.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? you chose her buddy. I'm not going to be your second choice. EVER. and at least have enough respect to call me in advance to make plans. i guess some people never change. he's probably never had someone not jump at the chance to go out with him, or had someone not be willing to be second choice. hey, at his peak, you were lucky to be ANY choice to him. i got news for you buddy.

i'll take my tool box of memories of us growing up and pack them away in the shed out back. and i'm sure i'll see you around at some of the i said, this town ain't that big. but i can't waste my time hanging out with a d-bag who doesn't put me first when there are PLENTY of d-bags out there willing to put me first. hey, a girl's gotta eat.