So, do you like Bagel World?

Because I'm a professional casual dater and can't ever actually seem to get past the dating phase, I agreed to meet a boy at church. We discovered we went to the same church and he suggested (much to my delight!) that we meet for the 11 o'clock service and then "it would be [his] pleasure to take [me] to lunch." lawd have mercy! I thought I had died and gone to southern gent heaven! (only, he is originally not from the south and that prob should have been a red flag). Now, I don't typically go to this particular service, but because I had a lunch date (a real lunch date! I was so excited), I got up early, got cuted up and showed up on time. And he was late. He got there about 11:15 (keep in mind the service is only an hour, even when there is Communion). We sang some hymns, prayed and did all those churchy things. Except, right before Communion, he looked at his watch and said "say, you wanna get outta here and grab a bite to eat?" I said "right now?" and he said "yes." Bewildered is the ONLY word I can think of to describe myself at this point, so I said OK and off we went. It was a beautiful day so I had visions of us sitting outside somewhere, enjoying an iced tea and each other's company. A leisurely Sunday luncheon, if you will. Wrong. He said he would drive so I stopped off at my car to grab my sunglasses. I observed him doing a little jig as he was clearly debating opening the door for me or not. I mean, he walked to his side, shook his head, and walked to mine. Weird, but we applaud him for making the right decision. As we're cruising along the A1A (BEACH FRONT AVENUE!!), he says "So, do you like Bagel World?" Kind of a strange question, but we were passing it on the road, and it's a little local joint, so I obliged. "Oh yeah! I go every Fri. as my congratulations on making it through another week breakfast." With that, he turned the car around and took me to...yep, you guessed it...Bagel World. We each got a bagel with cream cheese. The conversation was strained as he kept looking at his watch. Finally, I said to him that if he were THAT bored with me, we could leave. He just said oh no he wasn't bored. He just had plans to watch football with his dad at 1p. Alright dude, I understand it's football season. My fantasy team butt whoopin' is reminding me of that weekly. But why would YOU suggest 11 o'clock church and lunch if you planned to watch football? I'm gonna go out on a limb and suggest perhaps he was just not that into me. Which is FINE. But be a man, grow a pair and either say lunch isn't going to work or do what you said, suck it up and TAKE ME TO LUNCH!! The good news is, I went to 11 o'clock church and lunch and was home by 12:30. Which was perfect since I had a 12:30 appointment with the toolshed.

you will pay for your own drink specials.

I know I’ve got a lot of ‘splainin to do about my absence…but spare me the harpin’. I have a long list of less than men to tell you about, but Friday’s experience may take the cake in the world of dbags. Wait, I’ve said that before. so, if I’m being honest, and I am, this one doesn’t really take the cake but it is DEFINITELY a slice out of the old tool shed. Whre they stop, no one knows.

I had been introduced to this kid whom I affectionately dubbed Drink Specials. This is a name he brought on himself because the first two attempts he made to hang out with me included meeting up at particular places “with great drink specials.” Friday night, I agreed to meet him out at Mellow Mushroom. He suggested dinner and though I don’t love Mellow, since he had been persistent, and was cute, I decided to go. Only, I probably should have decided not to go. We’re having dinner and he asks to be reminded of where I work. I tell him and he asks “oh, do you know Sara blah blah blah.” “well,” I reply, “I don’t know her but I know of her. I dated her ex.” He says “ohhhh you dated him??? Well, we grew up together and my roommate dated her.” So, I realize what a fantastic night this is going to be since if he grew up with her, and she dated his roommate, then they’re probably as crazy as her reputation makes her out to be. Approximately 20 minutes after we sit down FOR THE DINNER HE INVITED ME TO, his friends show up. Yes, 4 or 5 of them at this point show up, come say hey, we didn’t know you’d be here and then leave to go to the bar…while telling me he is so sorry, he didn’t know they would be there (right), they start sending shots over. After shot 2, but before 3 and 4 arrived, I confessed I wasn’t going to be able to do anymore shots. I mean, it was only 9p and these guys were apparently going balls to the wall at the Mellow Mushroom. About this time, I start feeling semi badly – granted, I had only had to eat that day 1 large mashed potato and gravy, 1 large mac and cheese and 1 biscuit from the KFC, two glasses of wine, 1 pizza from the Mushroom and 2 shots. It’s no wonder I felt like 1 million bucks. The waitress comes and I blame her for what happens next. She asks, as most waitresses do but should not, how did we want the ticket. Clearly the tightwad, Drink Specials tells her she can put it on one ticket and WE WILL SPLIT IT! um, excuse me? if I am paying for my own dinner, I don’t want to do it at the Mellow Mushroom! I don’t even love that place! After dinner, we move over to the bar to hang out with his homies who are clearly WAITING on us to come. I tell him his friends all look familiar and then I realize why. At the epicenter of his friend group was my across the hall neighbor. The same neighbor who had an uber white trashy fight with his live in girlfriend at 6a that resulted in her moving out ON THE SPOT and the entire building be awakened. The same neighbor who hosts porch parties every weekend that begin at sun up and end well after sun down. Every single one of these guys has been on the porch on more than one occasion and every single one of them has spoken to me through the screen (I oft times sit on my porch and talk to my cat whilst in my pajamas and glasses). After a funny hey this is awkward, I didn’t know you ever left the porch convo in which all the guys said to me at different times “hey, you’re the girl with the cat!”, I had to race to the bathroom where I spent the next 35 minutes hating my own guts. I received two txts from Drink Specials asking where I was. I returned, everyone was wasted, and I knew it was time for me to go home. At 11 o’clock, I left the Mellow Mushroom. All I could think about was how excited I was to be putting on my pajamas and hanging out with my cat. I was exactly the girl they thought me to be. And that is a-ok with me. And Drink Specials? Well, let’s just say he’s back in the shed, right where he belongs.

West Side Sock Boy

Sock boy moved to the other side of the country. He just so happened to move to a city where I have several good friends. We stayed in touch via facebook (i mean, duh) and when I announced via facebook (another duh...who doesn't announce their entire life on the book?!?) I had cashed in some miles and would be visiting, sock boy got busy on the bbm. We txted back and forth for a few months, mainly him asking me to meet him in Vegas and we could get married and me responding with requests to see his biceps via txt picture. He had never been so attentive! I knew it would be short lived and I most certainly knew I wouldn't actually see him when I landed.

Wrong. While riding on the back of my best friend's scooter, taking in the breath taking scenery and trying to out do one another with romantic boyfriend stories (nothing like romantic scenery to bring out the best in friend comps), I sent sock boy a txt that I was indeed on west side soil. he responded in disbelief that i had actually contacted him. i mean, who are we kidding. does he have my number or what. i informed him where we would be going that night and that was that. my friend and i went about our beeswax, dined at my fave thai restaurant in the city and made out way to a fun little spot for some debauchery. about an hour after we arrived, sock boy walked in. my stomach was in all sorts of knots, and while i would like to blame it on the thai food (or the alcohol like jamie), i can only blame it on him. he walked in looking taller, more broad and cuter than i remember him being back home. he pulled the typical sock boy move: he picked me up, swung me around and i was gone. he flirted his way back into my heart in roughly 2.3 seconds flat. we picked up right where we left off, in a way only old friends often can do. his wing man was doing everything he can to convince my wing woman to go home with him; she was not even considering it but didn't actually put her foot down until he informed me that my steweys were in no way as fabulous as a pair of louboutin's. i was insulted. not to mention a little concerned as to why this seemingly straight man even knew so much about women's heels. sock boy out his wing man in a cab and returned to me (my wing woman had moved on to another douche).

when it was time to leave, sock boy offered to share a cab with us. the first stop was naturally my friend's flat. she got out of the car and RAN INSIDE (side note: i had informed her multiple times that i would NOT be going home with sock boy, and not to let me get in a situation where I might be tempted. he needed to know I was not that kind of girl, and that history does not always repeat itself). Since she clearly had blown her ability to withstand awk moments in the back of the cab, i was left to take care of myself. who does that to a friend! how old are we here! sock boy and i got into an argument when he couldn't believe i would not be going home with him. i leaned in to kiss him...it's not like we've never kissed...he pulled back and said (get ready) that the only way he would be making out with me is if i come home with him and make him mac and cheese. i'm sorry but WHAT!? i am on VACAY, not on cook for you cay. i get out of the car, he flips me off, and the cab takes off. i run inside, in TOTAL disbelief to my friend who can't give me the attention i need because she is explaining to her roommates why we would not be smoking the hookah with them.

i'm sorry, but am i in a movie? i just got flipped off by sock boy and now some cats want to smoke a hookah? time for me to go to in and out burger and eat my way to feeling better.

sock boy and i haven't talked since. just in case you were wondering.

Smooth Criminals

I’ve always secretly wanted to be smooth enough to date more than one man at a time and for them not to find out, but I never knew I’d date different brothers of the same mother. I am not confident that the little nugget below will quench your thirst adequately, but it's the best I can do, mainly because I can't stop laughing at how utterly ridiculous the entire spectacle was.

The first man, Dr. Jekyll, came from somewhere in my past and swept me off my feet. He wasn’t anything what I imagined I’d ever be attracted to, but he was just so good to me that I couldn’t help but fall. He treated me better than I’d ever been treated. He made it clear he just wanted me to be happy. And he fell in love with me. He met my friends, he became friends with my friends’ boyfriends. My parents adored him. I loved his family. We were just a perfect fit and it was hard to even imagine I had lived without him in my life. We took trips to see my friends out of town and to his parents home in a resort town not far from where I live. We went to fancy dinners and stayed up late talking on the phone. He had a relationship in his past much like my most serious relationship and I felt like I had finally found someone who could completely and utterly understand the pain and hurt I had felt when that relationship ended. We began quickly making plans for our future and talking rings and houses. We had nights dedicated to eating our favorite food, we worked out together, we shared a lot of things in common but were so completely different that things never got dull. He seemed to have a good head on his shoulders, a good career, and nice manners. He came from a good family and everything was just matching up in a way I never thought existed. I definitely counted THOSE chicks before they hatched. oops.

From Stage Left comes Mr. Hyde, who reared his ugly head early on in my relationship with Dr. Jekyll, but, like most women in love with being in love, I made an excuse for this crazy man. The first time he appeared was shortly after Valentine’s Day. I think it is safe to say that Facebook is very bad for a relationship, especially when one takes it entirely way too seriously and the other, not. Some pictures had been posted of me with some friends of the opposite sex at a Valentine’s Day party. The thing is, this was VERY early on in my relationship and I wasn’t ready to call him my boyfriend, and I sure as heck wasn’t ready to spend actual Valentine’s Day with him (though this did not stop me from letting him take me to a delish meal of steak and wine the night before). He got offended and drove to my office to pick me up for lunch. Only, he ended up yelling at me about how I was either dating him or hanging out with other guys but there wouldn’t be both. Needless to say, we didn’t go to lunch that day. I slammed his car door (lucky for him it didn’t break like the last door I slammed on a car) and went back to work. I personally didn’t feel like he had any reason to be jealous, but because he was so angry, I deleted facebook. FOR NINE MONTHS. Are you kidding me? No. I am not jonesing. It was THAT ridiculous. My next favorite altercation with Dr. J was at the beach with my family. He accused me of being distant (umm hell-o, I’ve been at the beach for 3 days and you’ve been at work. We have been distant! at least location wise). In the same conversation, he also accused me of enjoying kissing boys (I realize how crazy it sounds but would you believe Keith Urban’s song “Kiss A Girl” was playing when this accusation flailed?) and said it was typical I would know the words to that song. You’re darn right it is typical - I know ALL of Keithy poo’s songs! And frankly, I do enjoy kissing boys, and I don’t enjoy kissing girls, so I’m not sure what the beef is here. It was at this point I told him I needed a break. You’ll never guess what his reaction was! He yelled at me in front of my parents and LEFT. Yes, left. Left me in tears and drove home. Dr. Jekyll of course wanted to work things out after that. He was so afraid of losing me and he wanted nothing more than to take care of me and provide for me for the rest of his life. So, to prove it, he quit his job. You heard me, Willis. HE QUIT HIS JOB. AND MOVED BACK TO HIS PARENTS’ HOUSE far away from me and our relationship. There are a few things women fear more than anything else and one of these is abandonment. He knew this and to prove his love, he abandoned ship.

Now, I’m not sure about you, but to me a secure job screams stability. I understand impulsive shopping and impulsive behavior (like when you shimmy up on a hottie and then you impulsively make out with him?) but I in NO WAY understand impulsive job quitting. Needless to say, you can imagine where this relationship went. not even hell owns a hand basket big enough to carry this relationship in. After a very mortifying cuss out in the parking lot of my parents’ neighborhood pool, I asked him to never contact me again. He assured me I would never hear from him again...but of course, Iago was never REALLY that honest. I got a happy birthday txt, complete with an offer to take me to dinner if I wanted him to. Umm, thanks Gina but I don’t want to spend my birthday with you. I also got a happy birthday email complete with an offer to still go on his family vacation over Christmas. Umm, wow. When I didn’t respond, I got a string of crazy txt messages about how he had learned his lesson with me. I mean, you have to understand that this cat is serious! He learned his lesson with me! Thank you Jesus he finally did. I’m tired of his crazy self contacting me and proving to me that some things never change. It’s super hard for me not to laugh at this whole situation. I really hate being blind sided, and I’m seriously hate being had. But, I was had. By a douche none the less. I clearly have NOT learned my lesson!!