at least we're not in dubai

I went to the beach with some friends awhile back. i actually went with the hopes of getting a little bit closer to this one guy (don't you worry, he'll be written about in a future post). i hadn't been able to eat much all week because of some jaw problems i was having, so needless to say, the night ended up being quite a scene at the beach bar down the way.

as soon as i got there, the best friend of the aforementioned doosh started hitting on me. we'll call him hair. because he prides himself on his mop. and it IS quite the mop. i actually wouldn't mind scrubbing the floor with his mop. yes, he deserves THAT kind of respect. hair delivers to me drink after drink and before i know it, i've had one too many. what's that saying? one tequila, two tequila, four tequila, floor? I wasn't drinking tequila so it really doesn't matter but you get my drift. the night escapes us and we find ourselves walking on the beach. oh please - i've waited my whole life to walk on the beach with a hottie with great hair. and it turns out nothing like i envisioned. we of course had to make out amidst the sand dunes with the moon as our back drop. And of course we spent the remainder of the trip acting like nothing happened.

I didn't try to contact him since an initial "have fun doing such and such and safe travels" email, to which he replied in an incredibly dooshy manner that included an emoticon. YES MY FRIENDS, AN EMOTICON. Wow, number one sign of an extremely LARGE doosh. It came complete with sunglasses and a big smile. have you ever noticed how emoticons really make people mad more than anything else? you see one and all you can do is search on google for the emoticon that has the middle finger sticking up and the tongue sticking out. i would love to send all tools THAT emoticon. However, when I sent out a request for some political volunteers, he sent me back an ultra dooshy response about being on the beach again. He then followed up with a link to an article about a couple who got arrested for hooking up on the beach in Dubai. His dooshy follow up? "Thank goodness we weren't in Dubai!"

Yeah dooshbag. Thank goodness we weren't in Dubai. I would NEVER travel that far with you. emoticon THAT you tool. You deserve TWO emoticons, but definitely NOT a trip to Dubai.

Do you want seconds? oh by the way, I don't date

I met Mr. I Don't Date (hereinafter referred as Mr. IDD) in a bar. I know, I know. But, I cannot tell a lie. A friend of mine and I had left a party and gone to the bar and secured a table. Mr. IDD and several of his tool box companions came over and started chitchatting. We ended up shagging (a form of southern US dance for all you non-beach music lovers) and I just knew I was in love. He was VERY good looking, smart, had a good job (I'd already secured a business card for proof) and could shag. We left the bar shortly thereafter and moved on to another bar and eventually, back to my car to go home.

I am ashamed to admit that I fell for the cardinal trick of dooshbaggery. He pretended to already know where my car was, since I couldn't remember (keep in mind I had just met this guy and although we had already determined we had several mutual friends...enough for me to know he was at least not an ax murderer...he had no idea what kind of car I drove) so we proceeded to ride up and down the elevator, stopping at EVERY level and kissing. yes my friends, I fell for this. i'm so embarassed.

we finally found my car (notice my use of the word we. because HE had SO much to do with it). we got in, drove to his house and he asked me to walk him to the door. what? is this a date now and i'm the man? i did. because i'm a faller for really big tools. i leave him there at his door and go home. 3 days later i get the call. yes, i will have dinner with you. you're going to make me dinner? man, this guy gets better and better!

i show up at his house on a tues. he serves salmon, asparagus, something else, and wine. we sit at the table just talking and talking and enjoy our date. and in the middle of our conversation, before asking me if he can get me seconds, he drops the bomb: "by the way, I don't date." EXCUSE ME SIR, ARE WE NOT ON A DATE? he was completely serious. i sat there for a moment then realized I had suddenly lost my appetite. I got up, delivered my plate to the sink, thanked him for dinner and walked out.

You may not date pal, but I don't date dooshbags. Or tools. And I definitely DO NOT date you, MR. IDD.