Smooth Criminals

I’ve always secretly wanted to be smooth enough to date more than one man at a time and for them not to find out, but I never knew I’d date different brothers of the same mother. I am not confident that the little nugget below will quench your thirst adequately, but it's the best I can do, mainly because I can't stop laughing at how utterly ridiculous the entire spectacle was.

The first man, Dr. Jekyll, came from somewhere in my past and swept me off my feet. He wasn’t anything what I imagined I’d ever be attracted to, but he was just so good to me that I couldn’t help but fall. He treated me better than I’d ever been treated. He made it clear he just wanted me to be happy. And he fell in love with me. He met my friends, he became friends with my friends’ boyfriends. My parents adored him. I loved his family. We were just a perfect fit and it was hard to even imagine I had lived without him in my life. We took trips to see my friends out of town and to his parents home in a resort town not far from where I live. We went to fancy dinners and stayed up late talking on the phone. He had a relationship in his past much like my most serious relationship and I felt like I had finally found someone who could completely and utterly understand the pain and hurt I had felt when that relationship ended. We began quickly making plans for our future and talking rings and houses. We had nights dedicated to eating our favorite food, we worked out together, we shared a lot of things in common but were so completely different that things never got dull. He seemed to have a good head on his shoulders, a good career, and nice manners. He came from a good family and everything was just matching up in a way I never thought existed. I definitely counted THOSE chicks before they hatched. oops.

From Stage Left comes Mr. Hyde, who reared his ugly head early on in my relationship with Dr. Jekyll, but, like most women in love with being in love, I made an excuse for this crazy man. The first time he appeared was shortly after Valentine’s Day. I think it is safe to say that Facebook is very bad for a relationship, especially when one takes it entirely way too seriously and the other, not. Some pictures had been posted of me with some friends of the opposite sex at a Valentine’s Day party. The thing is, this was VERY early on in my relationship and I wasn’t ready to call him my boyfriend, and I sure as heck wasn’t ready to spend actual Valentine’s Day with him (though this did not stop me from letting him take me to a delish meal of steak and wine the night before). He got offended and drove to my office to pick me up for lunch. Only, he ended up yelling at me about how I was either dating him or hanging out with other guys but there wouldn’t be both. Needless to say, we didn’t go to lunch that day. I slammed his car door (lucky for him it didn’t break like the last door I slammed on a car) and went back to work. I personally didn’t feel like he had any reason to be jealous, but because he was so angry, I deleted facebook. FOR NINE MONTHS. Are you kidding me? No. I am not jonesing. It was THAT ridiculous. My next favorite altercation with Dr. J was at the beach with my family. He accused me of being distant (umm hell-o, I’ve been at the beach for 3 days and you’ve been at work. We have been distant! at least location wise). In the same conversation, he also accused me of enjoying kissing boys (I realize how crazy it sounds but would you believe Keith Urban’s song “Kiss A Girl” was playing when this accusation flailed?) and said it was typical I would know the words to that song. You’re darn right it is typical - I know ALL of Keithy poo’s songs! And frankly, I do enjoy kissing boys, and I don’t enjoy kissing girls, so I’m not sure what the beef is here. It was at this point I told him I needed a break. You’ll never guess what his reaction was! He yelled at me in front of my parents and LEFT. Yes, left. Left me in tears and drove home. Dr. Jekyll of course wanted to work things out after that. He was so afraid of losing me and he wanted nothing more than to take care of me and provide for me for the rest of his life. So, to prove it, he quit his job. You heard me, Willis. HE QUIT HIS JOB. AND MOVED BACK TO HIS PARENTS’ HOUSE far away from me and our relationship. There are a few things women fear more than anything else and one of these is abandonment. He knew this and to prove his love, he abandoned ship.

Now, I’m not sure about you, but to me a secure job screams stability. I understand impulsive shopping and impulsive behavior (like when you shimmy up on a hottie and then you impulsively make out with him?) but I in NO WAY understand impulsive job quitting. Needless to say, you can imagine where this relationship went. not even hell owns a hand basket big enough to carry this relationship in. After a very mortifying cuss out in the parking lot of my parents’ neighborhood pool, I asked him to never contact me again. He assured me I would never hear from him again...but of course, Iago was never REALLY that honest. I got a happy birthday txt, complete with an offer to take me to dinner if I wanted him to. Umm, thanks Gina but I don’t want to spend my birthday with you. I also got a happy birthday email complete with an offer to still go on his family vacation over Christmas. Umm, wow. When I didn’t respond, I got a string of crazy txt messages about how he had learned his lesson with me. I mean, you have to understand that this cat is serious! He learned his lesson with me! Thank you Jesus he finally did. I’m tired of his crazy self contacting me and proving to me that some things never change. It’s super hard for me not to laugh at this whole situation. I really hate being blind sided, and I’m seriously hate being had. But, I was had. By a douche none the less. I clearly have NOT learned my lesson!!