a brisket, a brasket, a bigger tool basket

I realize it's been awhile. don't hate. I found myself dating two men and unable to write much. I have a lot to say about these two men but I will give you THIS teaser: one was named Dr. Jekyll and the other, Mr. Hyde.

However, before I tell you about those fabulous men, I need to share with you the story of a boy who is very close to my heart. I saw him today at the gym and I felt all warm and fuzzy inside until I realized how wasteful my fondness is. Mason is his name (like, you know, the career) and he is super cute. And he knows it. We met at a party and, like all the boys I seem to attract, he lied to me about several things, mainly his career. His college career. Not that it matters, because this was then and that was before then. But, a lie is a lie and it's always a red flag. Anyway, Mason was at the party with a few of his friends, all of whom got my digitz but Mason laid claim to me because he of course kissed me before the night was over. Mason called me a couple of times after that, and we met up a few times after that, always at the bar, always late at night, always after drinking with other people (isn't it fabulous that this same ole story seems to generate so many fascinating stories?). Remember the story of Mr. IDD? OK, well, Mr. IDD, Mason and a boy I will call Gastleman (more on him later) were all good friends. And all players. I had been to a few late night bar meetups with Mason when I met Mr. IDD. The girls and I had gone to this great pub with outdoor seating one night and Mr. IDD met us for a bit. We were sharing a laugh when I saw Mason walk in with not one, but two, girls. You can imagine my disgust when I realized what a player he was! Because I'm smooth, I sent Mason a text message asking him to meet me at this fabulous pub with outdoor seating. He responded with "not when you're already there with my best friend." Not only did that make me feel like a complete moron, but right after I received that text, Gastleman came in with a girl. I had also gone on a couple of dates with Gastleman and was just really feeling badly about myself that I had convinced myself that while I was dating three friends, they were each only dating me. It was at this point that Mason decided he had had enough of moi.

About 3 months later, I run into Mason at the gym and things quickly picked back up. I demanded to be more than just the weekday girl - I have a theory that you should always be wary of a boy who will not see you on the weekends - and Mason made me the weekday AND the weekend girl. We went to dinners, we went on walks, we spent countless hours talking and laughing and I found that he was much more than just a pretty face. All of my friends told me to stop seeing him. He had proven he was a player, and word gets around fast, and they were all convinced he was still a player. But, I was convinced I could convince HIM to change.his.ways. Because, they ALWAYS do! Things progressed well and we agreed to meet up at this huge charity holiday party. I told the girls if Mason did indeed follow through on his promise to meet up with me at the party, and introduce me to his friends, then they had to trust his intentions were true and he had indeed turned over a new leaf. I mean, if he's introducing me to his friends, and walking around with me on his arm, then clearly he is serious. So, he showed up alright. He showed up nice and inebriated and things promptly got out of hand. Of course I thought he should be paying more attention to me, and he thought he had done his duty by introducing me to a few friends. My friends I left the party out of hunger and I sent several text messages to him letting him know where I was, what I was eating, that I was going home, and finally, where was he and why was he not responding to me. Needless to say, I never heard from him again. He didn't respond to my texts, he didn't call me, he never showed up on my chat list, and we were no longer friends on facebook. The audacity! I ran into him about 4 months later at the gym where he told me I had gone crazy and he had freaked out. He also told me he was dating someone else but asked if we could be friends again. I obliged and he unblocked me on the chat list. We're still not friends on facebook, and it's been over 2 years.

I hear he's still dating that girl but that he misses me some. Every now and then he'll message me on chat and suggest we meet up for a rendevousz. A what?!?!? I guess he really is a player. I should have listened to my friends. When I saw him at the gym tonight, my heart melted a little bit. And while I realized once again how I shouldn't waste such warm and fuzzy feelings on a guy like this, he's just so cute that how can I help it? I've decided I will add him as a friend on facebook.

I have a story to tell you. but, because it is so much more appropriate to copy and paste the online conversation.

background: this boy got placed in the tool shed some time ago. he also hates the one sports team that i actually support consistently (keep in mind i am what you may call a 'fair weather' type fan. i pride myself in the fact that i will dress the part of number one fan but will never leave a game unhappy). the team i love happens to be the number one basketball team in town (and who doesn't love a number one) and he went to a rival school (come to think of it, and yes i know this is a lot of parantheticals, part of my team's fight song includes the words go to hell [insert his school]). he is also currently looking for a couch.

additional background: i was engaged once. all you need to know about my broken engagement is that it left me deeply wounded and is not something i ever joke about. EVER.

conversation:
me: hmm well whatever

i love them

and you do not

10:43 AM him: that is correct

10:47 AM i guess it explains your love for frat boys and douchbaggery

me: hahahah

whatev - im so over frat boys and douch bags

10:48 AM im only hangin gout with the ones who treat me well now

but that school is just a-ok with me!

him: haha

you are such a flavor of the week type girl

10:49 AM me: no im not

him: how were u ever engaged?

me: ouch

him: im just saying

me: when i commit - i commit well

him: the last one was more of a joke

not tryign to bash your commitment skills

me: it better have been - im a good catch and he's a fool

so THERE

10:50 AM him: it was rhetorical

10:52 AM don't u hate getting emails and contacted by ex's u don't wanna talk to

my ex just sent me an email on a huge distbn list trying to sell a couch

10:53 AM me: well you need a couch

him: i do

but not a pretty pink floral one

10:58 AM me: a couch is couch

33 minutes

OK. where do i even begin? First off, who the hell does he think he is that he can call me a flavor of the week type of girl? because i think if you're going to make out with your friend in the bar on numerous occasions, then you should also treat them to dinner and actually take them on a date? i'm a flavor of the week type of girl because i continually get asked out by dbags and move on to the next one when i realize what a douche they are? and who are you sir to question how i was ever engaged? just because you've become privaleged enough to know that piece of my history does not mean you can question the validity of it. nor does it mean that even though much time has passed, that the bee doesn't still sting a little. just because we've chatted online daily up until this conversation does not mean i've granted you access to the inner workings of my brain or given you any insight into the pain, humliation and utter depression i suffered because of that time in my life. anyone who would make a comment like that, joking or not, is not my real friend. nor are they anyone worthy of my interest, time and effort.

i have not spoken to him since. i don't know if he gave in and bought the couch from his ex. his ability to change the subject to soften the blow, but his absolute inability to apologize for a crass comment such as the one above proved to me so much of what i knew in my heart but really didn't want to believe: a couch is a couch, a jerk is a jerk, a douche is a douche, and you are officially a member of the shed.

No, there is NOT a deeper issue

So, i told the tomato farmer i would go to a movie with him. he'd been bugging me anyway and i figured i should go and see how it went before really making a decision about him. i was pretty much leaning towards NOT liking him though. but, my week got busy, i got stressed out, and i just didn't have time to go to the movies. plus, i was heading out of town for a wedding and had a lot of shiznit to do before i left. so i sent him a txt and told him i needed to reschedule and would call him later to explain. he responded a whole FOUR hours later with, "i would like to speak with you when you have a minute." he would like to SPEAK with me?? did i not just tell him i would call him LATER?? so i resent the "i will call you later" txt. he responded with "before 9 please." oh good grief. who does he think he is? so i didn't respond. i went about my beeswax, got my stuff done, and called him at 8:30. he told me he didn't expect me to be all gung-ho about him but that he had pretty simplistic expectations of me and that was to be able to spend time with me. ok, first off, dude, we ain't a couple. second off, who the hell do you think you are? i told him i had a lot to do and he had to understand at this point that of course i'm not going to be all "gung-ho" about it and there are other people involved by now too. i told him i would call him when i got back from the wedding and we could get together. we ended it there but he called later and left me a voicemail that he didn't want to be a burden and he was sorry for being dramatic; he'd been running on his emotions with me for a few weeks now. i didn't call him back - i went to the wedding and didn't think about him once. i repeat: i did not think about him AT ALL.

so this past weekend, as i was driving 6 hours to visit a friend, i decided i needed to let him know how i felt. i mean, he went to such great lengths to tell me how he felt, and i at least owed him an "i'm not interested." So I called him up. he answered, found out what i was doing and replied with, "i'd really like to see you when you get back in town." I replied with "i would love to hang out with you but it will have to be as friends. I know this isn't an over the phone conversation but i'm not able to go out to dinner right now and i'd rather not lead you on." He thanked me for the clarification then told me to shout at him sometime and hung up before i could say anything else. i'm talking i got a busy signal in my ear. i also got a txt in my inbox that said (and I quote for emphasis): "Why did u feel the need 2 do that? i had pretty much written it off anyway when you stood up last week. i'm not bitter, just curious. something deeper u not sharing?"

ok. do i even want to get started? first, don't send me a txt using numbers for words. second, you had NOT pretty much written it off (and ps, i didn't stand you up. i told you i needed to reschedule. a stand up would have just not shown up). if you had really pretty much written it off, you would have not left me an apology voicemail and you wouldn't have told me right away that you wanted to see me. period. and fourth, why do i have to have a deeper issue because i don't like you? obviously i must have SOMETHING wrong with me for not being interested! i mean what kind of girl disses a tomato farmer? obviously one with MENTAL ISSUES. whatever dude. i didn't respond to the text. i got to my friend's house and spent another weekend not thinking about him.

I believe this will be the last post about the tomato farmer.

an emoticon from...dubai???

I got a message last night on facebook from hair. It said "sooooooo.....who's susan rivers? :)"

there are so many things wrong with this. let me list them out for you:
1. we had beach time
2. susan rivers is one of my best friends
3. why would you think it is appropriate for you to ask me about one of my best friends after we had beach time?
4. that's like me asking you who your best friend is and hinting for you to hook me up.
5. that's like you saying i'm not good enough but my best friend is.

i am not jealous in an 'i like him' kind of way. i am mad that this guy is such a doosh that he thinks it is entirely appropriate and acceptable for him to inquire me about one of my best friends. and trust me, it is OBVIOUS how good of friends we are from the facebook pictures. not to mention he tried to talk to our group in a bar one night and i reminded them all of who he was and they all spun on their heels and walked away.

everything about this message was wrong and just really made me mad. i think i'm most irritated at myself though...some dbags you can't get over wishing you had never met them. i called another one of my best friends and told her what his message said. she screamed (yes, screamed) "hair is SUCH a tool."

i do not know how to explain this whole thing other than he is a tool and i am constantly amazed and bewildered at the audacity some tools have. PLEASE go to dubai and find yourself...or someone. ugh.

i had dinner with the tomato farmer last night. now, before you judge, hear me out. i re-read my earlier post about him and it was a little angry, huh? i didn't mean to give off the impression that he is a bad guy. because he isn't.

he started calling me around thanksgiving and i never picked up the phone. in dec., he sent me a txt asking me to please call him when i got a chance. i responded to his txt that i would when i wasn't so busy. i never did. he called and called again and over the weekend, i answered. he asked me to go to dinner. i obliged. i mean, he had put forth a lot of effort to get in touch with me and i'm really just not angry with him. plus, when it comes down to it, he's my friend. so we met at a little diner not far from my house and we had a really nice time. we chatted about all kinds of things from the past few months of our lives and we laughed about some things from the past. he also brought up everything that happened this past summer...

he apologized for the way things happened and the way things turned out. he said he had thought a lot about the things i said to him and he never meant to hurt me. he said he understands completely why i was hurt and why i had to walk away. he said he thought he was making the right decision by sticking to his word and letting her come. he said he had always tried to be a man of his word and he really believed the only way to be a man of your word is to follow through on committments and uphold those promises. he said he had been honest with me from the beginning and he would always be honest with me. he said he regretted the way things turned out with us, and not only because they didn't work out with her. he said he regretted it because he really felt like we "mesh well together." he said the fact that i wouldn't answer his calls spoke loudly to him and he knew he had a lot of work to do to make it up to me. he said he wanted that chance. when i was leaving, he tried to kiss me. i gave him my cheek.

i know you're judging me. stop judging me! i haven't let him back in, i haven't put all my eggs in his basket, i didn't even let him kiss me (and we all know I enjoy a nice kiss every now and then!)! i'm actually not sure how i feel. if i look at the facts, plain and simple, it's like this: he was honest with me and he let me walk away because he felt like he had to fulfill a promise. he now wants to make it up to me. he said he was sorry, he said he was wrong, he asked how he could make it up to me, and he asked for forgiveness. he was genuine. he acknowledged he made a mistake and he wants to rectify it. now, when i compare that to many other guys i know, they would not go to such lengths to apologize for something they had done to hurt me, especially if they felt like they had been honest all along and i had still gotten myself involved.

we'll see what happens. we do have a history, and we do get along. and now that she is out of the picture (he even said please believe me when i say i am done with that situation for good), it was almost as though it was a first date again. i believe he is coming to me with open hands to try something with me again. i'm not opposed to seeing him again. that's the next step to take. but don't worry. he isn't getting my full attention and i'm definitely not going to pass up going out with other people if the opportunity arises. he can come to me completely open and want to start fresh and i will remain strong and keep my wits about me.

don't hate.

just one of the guys

disclaimer: i feel the need for this because the below post is not about a tool. while this blog is mainly about the tools i've met along the way, some of them are more clueless than just flat out dbags. so unless i call the particular guy a tool, a dbag, or any other type of word, he may or may not be a tool or a dbag.

i had this realization. there's this group of guys that my girlfriends and i hang around with when we go out. it's pretty standard - they're always in the same place on the same nights of the week, so we always know if we want to have a rowdy time, to just be on their schedule and a rowdy time will be had by all. it's a great group of guys; they all went to college together, they're all intelligent, have good jobs, charming, cute, witty, and the list goes on. the only problem is the jury is still out on whether or not they are date-able. there's one or two that are definitely tools and a half, but the majority of them are just fun guys (so maybe it's not entirely fair to them to write about them on this blog. but whatever).

my girlfriends and i have had our fun kissing various ones from the group (there's a running joke about how we've kissed the same ones) but it's become a pretty regular occurrence for one of the guys and moi to make out in their favorite bar (classy, i know). he's become a good friend of mine: we chat over gmail almost every day, see each other at the gym and share the occasional txt message (and i get some funny phone calls late at night on his walks home from the bar). so of course, because i love men and the attention and i'm sure we could go on and on about how this is all my fault, i develop a crush on this guy. and by the way, i love the word crush. it's so sophomoric yet not, all at the same time. and it's just so fitting: you don't love the guy, you don't even know if you like him. but he's fun to flirt with and you enjoy your time with him. hence, the crush. so anyway, it came to my attention during a g-chat conversation that he and the other guys think of me as one of them. i'm just one of the guys. now, that is partially ideal. it's great to be in with the guys because then there is a higher percentage that your crush will return the crush - i mean, what guy wants to date a girl that his friends don't accept? so being one of the guys and feeling like one of the guys is half the marathon, and i'm there (13.5 miles left to go!). but i realized that we shouldn't accept being one of the guys. because then the crush has a high percentage of a chance (or however you say it) of only seeing us as one of the guys and not as this great treasure that he needs to stake his claim on and protect.

so i emailed my friends and told them the crush was off. like clap on, clap off: crush on, crush off. i also informed the guy that i would no longer be making out with him in the bar. a very good, and wise, friend of mine has always said "actions speak louder" and it is SO true! actions speak so much louder than anything else. making out with someone can easily be read as a potential relationship developing, but it's not. and i'm not sure it's necessarily fair to the other person to assume that is what they mean when they make out with you, or try to get you to go home with them, or even succeed in taking you home (i mean hey, who wants to purchase the fattened cow when they can get one for free). if a guy is really interested, he's going to invest time and energy into getting to know you as a person and treating you with the respect you deserve. it's hard too, when the guy is a lot of fun, to not be tempted to go to the places you know he will be, or to return the affection when he makes a pass. it's just better to keep emotions out of it until you know someone's true intentions.

if you want to make out with me, take me on a date! make me feel like a freakin lady! otherwise, if you just want a make out buddy, why not just make out with one of your buddies. ya know, one of the guys. at least then you don't have to worry about it getting weird when one begins to develop a crush. well, it may be weird, but that's a different story.

i've got the cure for your problem baby

i chose my dentist for location and convenience. and i was literally mortified when he walked in and he was gorgeous. as in the kind of gorgeous where you sit straight up with that bib still on your neck and you feel like a big loser for not dressing up for the dentist. as in next time you're wearing a prom dress for the dentist kind of hot. as in going to the dentist will never be dreadful again. as in how in the heck are you supposed to get him to ask for your number with the crazy hygentist lurking around kind of hot.

my dentist spent 30 entirely unnecessary minutes explaining to me my jaw condition. it would have been one thing had i been able to understand a word he said. but he was using all kinds of medical jargon. maybe it was farsi. either way, i didn't understand. i did understand though that the fact that he stared me right in the eyes for the entire 30 minutes while massaging (yes, massaging) my jaw meant he might not be opposed to being interested in more than just my teeth. thank goodness he gave me a prescription and while i probably needed some more cowbell, it was just what the doctor ordered. after searching facebook for him (no luck) and emailing various friends to see if they knew him from high school (why is his bio on the dentist office's website?!), i decided to be a MAN and go after what i wanted: i called to ask him about my prescription. he didn't have voicemail so the hygentist made me leave her my name, number and tell her what my question was (question? what's a question?) and she promised he would call me back later. all i could come up was a lame "can i take this at work" question (he had specifically told me not to take it at work but she doesn't need to know that). i hung up feeling quite pleased with myself. i knew if he called, it would be from his cell phone. no one could deny that chemistry.

and call he did. he left me a voice mail with his personal cell number and told me to please call him with any other questions. i mean what's a girl to do other than call him back? so i called him back and explained that was a fake question, that i really just wanted him to have my number in case he wasn't seeing anyone. he responded that he was engaged but that he was really flattered and he was excited to see i had left him a number to call me back because he had been really attracted to me during my visit (engaged or not, i was totally wearing a prom dress at my next visit). i said something along the lines of oh well, it was worth a try, see ya. he proceeded to txt me for the rest of the night. at first it was hard not to get caught up in it but i finally came to my senses and told him he didn't sound very engaged and he shouldn't be txting me if he really was. this sort of banter was quite frequent for several weeks until i realized he was just needing to feel attractive and wanted since he was about to tie the knot. i told him that; he called me freud and that was that. i stopped responding all together.

but i really do have these jaw problems and one night, i freaked out and sent him a message about my jaw. he was equally worried (at the time we weren't sure how serious it was) and told me to come in asap for him to check it out. so i went. but i wore gym clothes and came straight from a workout. i honestly didn't expect the sweat to have a greater effect than a prom dress, but he txted me that night and the game started again. he kept asking me just to meet him out for a drink one night (turns out he and the fiancee live together and she was out of town) so i called my best friend and asked what i should do. i mean, was it really any different than meeting me a friend who was engaged? she told me to go so i wouldn't have to wonder anymore. so i went and i actually said i hoped we had a horrible time. only we didn't. we had a fabulous time and stayed out till 2 am. on a school night. he gave me his coat when i was cold, he held the door for me, he flirted, he tried to plant one, ok several, on me, he begged me not to leave at the end of the night, he called to make sure i got home ok when i did finally leave. he also said he had no intention of cheating on his wife when i asked him if he was planning on it after they got married. i told him that was false because he was trying to cheat on her while they were engaged. he said she had everything he wanted but they were lacking a physical relationship. i told him that wasn't going to get better after they got married and perhaps he should decide if she is what he wanted before they got any closer to the wedding.

he continued to text me for several days after this. i finally told him he had to stop - as long as she had a ring on her finger, nothing would happen with us. he told me he just wanted to show me how attracted he was to me. umm, that's a negative. the last time i had an appointment, i canceled. he didn't get in touch with me, wondering where i was. i think he got the hint. the whole thing was fascinating to me - how a man who says he is in love can have an emotional affair with a woman he barely knows to satisfy some part of his relationship he is obviously lacking. i guess it's more common that i realized. it was hard not to get caught up in it - i mean, i cannot sit here and say i wouldn't go out with him if they did break up. but then i look at the situation and i think, "but there is nothing to guarantee me he wouldn't do the same thing to me that he is doing to her." and i feel so badly for her. i feel like i learned so much from him without him even knowing he was teaching me.

i don't feel like he's a bad person. i feel like he was willing to make a bad decision and had i let it go further, he would have. i'm not trying to toot my own horn here people. i shouldn't have let it get past the first txt message - i should have told him not to contact me if he really was engaged or i should have not responded at all. and i dont have any excuse other than it was all so intriguing. i almost feel like instead of those jaw massages, i needed to be knocked in the head with a giant frying pan. this whole episode did nothing but feed his ego. and the bigger his ego got, the worse i felt about it all. i've followed his rules about things i need to do to improve the condition of my jaw but i'm glad i didn't follow his advances, if you will. if those jaw massages were any indicator...stop it.

this guy is probably the ultimate dbag. i wish i could give out an award. he'd win it for sure.

dont kiss her in front of me

my friend told me about her friday night and i feel compelled to share it with you, my faithful readers. my friend january recently ran into an old friend at a local event. she was so excited that he remembered her because well, he's hot, and who doesn't get excited when a hot guy remembers them? he asked for her number and they proceeded to spend the next several weeks together, chatting on the phone, going out to dinner, he even went as far as to not only introduce her to his friends, but bring her entirely into his friend group so that his friends are now her friends and she even has arrangements to move in with one of the girls from his friend group. the past few weeks however, she's been a little concerned that perhaps he didn't feel the same way she did. he wasn't returning her calls as quickly and it seemed to almost be in rewind mode instead of fast forward. but he never restrained himself from making out with her.

so, this past friday, january, this guy and all of their friends (remember, she is just as much a part of his friend group as he is now) go out to dinner then to a dance club. where he proceeds to make out with another chick. yes, right in front of january. he even brings this other chick back to his house where everyone in the friend group had planned to stay the night. so january is left in the awkward position of having to ask him and his new friend to stand up from the couch so she can retrieve her coat and purse from where they were sitting. of course her feelings were hurt. she said it best when she said "even if i'm just your makeout buddy, don't make out with someone else in front of me!"

i'm just really getitng disheartened by all the dbags in this town, and it seems, on planet earth. where did guys get the impression that they no longer have to pursue us, fight for us, and just treat us with some common dignity? i told january she needs to call him out on it. she should ask him what he was trying to accomplish by doing that, or she should just tell him that she doesn't hang out with guys who kiss other girls in front of her. he obviously hasn't ever had anyone call him out on his completely inappropriate actions and put him in his place. january doesn't want to do that because its just so completely awkward for her. one friend said to act like she doesnt care because that will make him chase her. i disagree. games are fine until you get hurt. and then you have to either stand up for yourself or just walk away and not let it bother you. if you aren't willing to stand up for yourself and put someone in their place, then you cant be upset with them for not meeting your expecations.

but speaking of expectations, for the first few months after i got back into the dating scene, i thought maybe my expectations were just too high. i don't think so. i don't think it's too much to expect that if a guy is interested in you, he will let you know. don't tell me to meet you out at the bar. don't only txt me or facebook me or communicate with me in other internetable ways. MAN UP and call me! MAN UP and take me on a date! wasn't it meredith grey who said "I want heat! I want romance! damn it, i want to feel like a freakin' lady!" guys these days just dont want to put the effort into dating someone anymore. they want to meet a girl in the bar, take her home, then not have to talk to her again. or, they want to take a girl to dinner a few times, take her home, and then not talk to her again. i can't tell you how many guys txt me to meet them out on the weekends, but they don't call me during the week, and they certainly don't ask me to dinner.
there's something to be said for getting to know someone as friends first, but bottom line is, if you're interested in her, you should take her to dinner, and romance her and really let her know that you want to spend time with her. making out in the bar is fun and it's fine every now and then. we all do it. but that isn't a relationship and it's not a valid way to get to know someone. i dont think i can scream it any louder. if you want to get to know me, if you are interested in me , then flippin ask me on a date and be a MAN. stop being a boy. i like pansies but only the garden variety. i like boys but i prefer men. and i certainly dont want any type of male who doesn't have enough balls to ask me on a date and make me feel like a freakin' lady!

hey can you not post those to facebook?

Recently, I was a bridesmaid in the wedding of a good friend of mine from school. she married a sweet boy from another state. her family is small and his is large, so they chose to have their wedding in his hometown. for years this fabulous couple has spoken about how much fun it would be if his best friends met her best friends because they would all get along so well. i don't think they anticipated just how well the best friends would get along.


the bride and groom had a wedding website and one of the groomsmen posted his congratulations along with a notice to all bridesmaids that he was on the hunt for his wife at this wedding and we better hone our dancing skills. now, anyone who knows me knows that 1: i cannot resist a good dance off and b, i cannot resist a good smack talking sesh. i responded to his post to which he responded with a facebook friendship request. i accepted and for the three weeks leading up to the wedding, we traded messages about the dance off that would ensue at the wedding. i was super curious to meet this badass from cali.


i was not impressed when i first met him. he came in saying "where's my girl" and i so wish i could demonstrate his little jig he did when he met me. he also looked like he was from cali, and i, well, do not (not to mention that sometimes people from this area of Cali dress a little...dooshy) . we hugged and that was that. it wasn't until the rehearsal dinner that the trash talking came to a head and we both realized how much chemistry there was between us. we danced all night in between our sneaks off to makeout in the darkened hallway (yes, we really snuck off to makeout in the dark hallways and i enjoyed it). we followed the rest of the wedding party back to the groom's parent's house for some hot tub action. the hot tub was scandalous and delicious (all maids and men had paired off) and it was literally some of the steamiest kissing i've experienced. we didn't see each other until the next day when we walked down the aisle at the wedding. he said to me "i've been waiting to kiss those juicy red lips of yours all day." sweet, right? yes. at the reception we danced and dined and drank. there were dance offs galore. the entire wedding party went back to the aforementioned house where we paired off again. this groomsman, another groomsman (who happens to be his best friend) and i went to a back bedroom where we stayed up until the wee hours talking and eating pizza. i was so intrigued by this professional athlete from the west coast who said he was moving to the east coast to play for a team out here.


the next day we all get the great idea to go into town, rent a big hotel room and party all night. the big hotel room didn't make much sense though since everyone was ready to go to bed at different times. he and i got our own room where we watched movies and talked all night. the next morning, as i got ready for my early flight out, he asked me if i was ever going to talk to him again. i said that was up to him. he responded with "oh, you and i are going to be seeing a lot more of each other." i told him i had a great time and i got on my jet plane. i love the feeling a really fun weekend leaves you with. little did i know how dramatic this boy would turn out to be...


i received a txt from him asking me to not post any pictures to facebook of us. well hell-o, sounds like someone must have a girlfriend. he even went as far as to tell me he doesn't have a girlfriend but he doesn't like dealing with the headache of having to explain. he also said he didn't think the two world's best kissers (i am actually quite the kiss-artist) needed to put it on display for all of facebook to see. im not even sure he even considered the fact that i might have my own situations and might lack a desire to get myself in trouble. i was pretty irritated however that he was take a weekend fling and turn it into something dramatic in just a few short text messages. one of the other maids had some telling pictures that i asked her to email to me. i then emailed him one of us kissing and said "so i'm confused. am i supposed to post and tag this or not?" i admit - it was slightly bitchy on my part and i'm not surprised i haven't heard back. i also posted on his wall something funny about a rapper we both enjoy and he deleted the post. yes my readers, he DELETED the post. haven't i already said you don't delete me? and wait, weren't you the one who asked me if i was ever going to talk to you again?

turns out this guy totally has a girlfriend. maybe they don't have that title, but some girl keeps posting pics of them together at various places around town, and i'm just assuming she's the one he was worried about catching him when he sent me those txts. i mean, call me crazy but when you show up in a family picture, you're obviously more than just some RANDO. at first my feelings were hurt that he sent me those txts (i guess some guys don't want to brag to their friends), but the more i've studied his profile, the more i've realized he's just an honest tool and he doesn't know any better. and i'm guessing he deleted my wall post because he doesn't want to have to deal with THAT headache. that's alright. he deleted my wall post, so now i've deleted him as a friend. it really is SO refreshing to do that.

the tools don't get sharper

so the tomato farmer is back. oh yes, i totally called this one. it didn't work out with his lady friend. so he's been calling me. as a matter of fact, i got a txt at 4 pm yesterday asking me to go to the movies with him (this is AFTER he called last week to tell me things hadn't worked out with her and he wanted to spend some time with me...please). i said i had dinner plans to which he responded "would you care to join me after that?" ummm would I care to? that's a negative ghost rider. did he not learn ANYTHING the first go round after i told him time after time not to ask me out last minute? and how about the whole passing up something good with me for a maybe with her? i'm not going to be your second choice pal. did you think i was kidding when i said that?

i guess this is just proof that tools don't get sharper, they only get duller the more they sit in the shed.

OMG, we're not bff anymore?

Sorry, it's been awhile. I've been dealing with weddings galore, holidays, and of course, tool boxes so big my arms hurt from trying to lug them around in my mind.

I borrowed this title from an article I saw in the Wall Street Journal. It was about the art of "unfriending" on facebook, myspace, and other social networking sites. Now, this definitely caught my attention because I love deleting friends on facebook. it's not meant to be mean or callous or cause hurt feelings. it's simply because i am friends with a lot of people that i do not talk to regularly. so why should they be privy to all aspects of my life? i mean, i guess i shouldn't enable all aspects of my life to be open to the public domain but whatever. i'm a double standard in the best form possible.

so, i log on to facebook in an attempt to delete a particular person...we'll call him boat boy. and lo and behold, i find he is no longer on my friends list. wtf...i know he didn't delete me! i know HE did not delete ME! after i got over my initial shock that someone actually had the nerve to delete me, i decided it was definitely time to blog about him.

i'm involved with a local young professionals organization and we had a party aboard a yacht; a booze cruise if you will. boat boy was a boat hand for the evening; the hired help if you will. but he was hot hired help. all the girls are flirting with him but i wasn't worried. at the end of the night, being in no shape to drive my car to the after party, he offered to drive it for me. i obliged and off we went. we showed up late to the after party - i mean, since he was hired help and all, he had to help clean the boat while i sat in the car and wondered what in the world i had gotten myself into. at the after party, we dance, we hold hands, we kanoodle as people in bars often do on or around a pool table. when the night was over, we both realized how hungry we were, so we drove to a local hot dog stand, got some dogs, and took them back to my condo. we stayed up ALL night talking about life, love and everything along the way. He confided that he took his job in NC (at the time of our meeting, he'd been in the city for about 2 months) because he had prayed about it and God had really laid it on his heart to be here. I don't care what your religious affiliation is: nothing is sexier than a hot man talking about God, even if he does have hot dog breath and a mustard stain on his shirt. He got my number, manages to get back home, and proceeds to text message me about hanging out again soon.

unfortunately, the story doesn't end there. he and i get into somewhat of a text messaging argument over a girl we'll call Susan. i have a friend named susan, whom he had met at the after party that night, and he was telling me he really liked susan. they were not and are not one in the same and i most definitely put my foot in my own mouth that night. i accused him of being a player and going behind my back to get to know my friend susan while leading me on. i was especially angry with him because i honestly thought i had found a real winner who prayed about life decisions and really was an upstanding Christian man. boy was I WRONG. after these texts, i decided to do some investigating and came to the realization that he was indeed dating susan. only it was not my susan. but i was involved in an organization with his susan, so that was just weird, because i don't think she had any idea that he still kept in contact with me. so i stopped responding and moved on. i wanted the story to end there.

susan and boat boy broke up. know how i know? because he started gchatting me and wanting to know why i never talked to him anymore. at this point, i messaged his roommate, who i think is actually a nice guy, and told him boat boy had hurt my feelings about the whole susan situation. i'm not sure what the roommate said to boat boy, but boat boy apologized. i don't like to hold grudges. he asked me out repeatedly for about 2 months before i said ok. he said a group of his friends were getting together for some drinks and would i please go with him. i'm not sure why i said ok. oh wait, i know why. because he is extremely good looking and i just can't say no to a doosh. in theory, i can, but in reality, they are charming. so i go, we have a good time, i think his roommate bought my glass of wine. i go home, he txts me, says he wants to hang out again that same week. i said i didn't know if i would have the time due to my hectic work schedule. plus, i don't know if i even liked him at this point.

the next day, he g-chats me and the convo turns to sex. yes, s-e-x. after a group date. i tell him i'm not sleeping with anyone until i get married. he spends about 25 minutes blasting me over gchat for what a dumb decision that is and how no one would put up with that. i told him i didn't think it really should matter and that he wouldn't be the first person to not hang out with me again because of this decision.

i wasn't surprised to not get a response from him. then i hear through the grapevine he moved home. then i go to delete him and turns out he's deleted me.

so when i see this article in the paper, i immediately think of him. thank god we're not facebook bffs anymore. only a tool would delete me from his friend list for not sleeping with him. i, on the other hand, delete people for MUCH better reasons.

at least we're not in dubai

I went to the beach with some friends awhile back. i actually went with the hopes of getting a little bit closer to this one guy (don't you worry, he'll be written about in a future post). i hadn't been able to eat much all week because of some jaw problems i was having, so needless to say, the night ended up being quite a scene at the beach bar down the way.

as soon as i got there, the best friend of the aforementioned doosh started hitting on me. we'll call him hair. because he prides himself on his mop. and it IS quite the mop. i actually wouldn't mind scrubbing the floor with his mop. yes, he deserves THAT kind of respect. hair delivers to me drink after drink and before i know it, i've had one too many. what's that saying? one tequila, two tequila, four tequila, floor? I wasn't drinking tequila so it really doesn't matter but you get my drift. the night escapes us and we find ourselves walking on the beach. oh please - i've waited my whole life to walk on the beach with a hottie with great hair. and it turns out nothing like i envisioned. we of course had to make out amidst the sand dunes with the moon as our back drop. And of course we spent the remainder of the trip acting like nothing happened.

I didn't try to contact him since an initial "have fun doing such and such and safe travels" email, to which he replied in an incredibly dooshy manner that included an emoticon. YES MY FRIENDS, AN EMOTICON. Wow, number one sign of an extremely LARGE doosh. It came complete with sunglasses and a big smile. have you ever noticed how emoticons really make people mad more than anything else? you see one and all you can do is search on google for the emoticon that has the middle finger sticking up and the tongue sticking out. i would love to send all tools THAT emoticon. However, when I sent out a request for some political volunteers, he sent me back an ultra dooshy response about being on the beach again. He then followed up with a link to an article about a couple who got arrested for hooking up on the beach in Dubai. His dooshy follow up? "Thank goodness we weren't in Dubai!"

Yeah dooshbag. Thank goodness we weren't in Dubai. I would NEVER travel that far with you. emoticon THAT you tool. You deserve TWO emoticons, but definitely NOT a trip to Dubai.

Do you want seconds? oh by the way, I don't date

I met Mr. I Don't Date (hereinafter referred as Mr. IDD) in a bar. I know, I know. But, I cannot tell a lie. A friend of mine and I had left a party and gone to the bar and secured a table. Mr. IDD and several of his tool box companions came over and started chitchatting. We ended up shagging (a form of southern US dance for all you non-beach music lovers) and I just knew I was in love. He was VERY good looking, smart, had a good job (I'd already secured a business card for proof) and could shag. We left the bar shortly thereafter and moved on to another bar and eventually, back to my car to go home.

I am ashamed to admit that I fell for the cardinal trick of dooshbaggery. He pretended to already know where my car was, since I couldn't remember (keep in mind I had just met this guy and although we had already determined we had several mutual friends...enough for me to know he was at least not an ax murderer...he had no idea what kind of car I drove) so we proceeded to ride up and down the elevator, stopping at EVERY level and kissing. yes my friends, I fell for this. i'm so embarassed.

we finally found my car (notice my use of the word we. because HE had SO much to do with it). we got in, drove to his house and he asked me to walk him to the door. what? is this a date now and i'm the man? i did. because i'm a faller for really big tools. i leave him there at his door and go home. 3 days later i get the call. yes, i will have dinner with you. you're going to make me dinner? man, this guy gets better and better!

i show up at his house on a tues. he serves salmon, asparagus, something else, and wine. we sit at the table just talking and talking and enjoy our date. and in the middle of our conversation, before asking me if he can get me seconds, he drops the bomb: "by the way, I don't date." EXCUSE ME SIR, ARE WE NOT ON A DATE? he was completely serious. i sat there for a moment then realized I had suddenly lost my appetite. I got up, delivered my plate to the sink, thanked him for dinner and walked out.

You may not date pal, but I don't date dooshbags. Or tools. And I definitely DO NOT date you, MR. IDD.

How about we meet for dinner and CUSS at each other.

yes my friends, that is how an actual date with this tool started. ok, so that's somewhat false. i found his picture on facebook through mutual friends and sent him a message after learning we lived in the same town (hey, who doesn't want just one more facebook friend?!). I told him to let me know if he ever wanted to meet for coffee. Please note I only said coffee. NOT a couch visit, not a drunken phone call, coffee. He responded with something like "sure, that sounds great. I work downtown..."

Excuse me. did he just dot dot dot me? I responded with "i live [in a certain part of town] and work downtown..." he responded with "okay..." THIS GUY BLOWS! What happened to men taking the proactive role and making a move? So I suggested Tues. He says ok and gives me his number. I txt him so he will have mine. I mean, i can't take this hand holding I'm having to do. He responds with "hon do you even know how old I am?" so many things wrong. 1. he called me hon. can he patronize me a LITTLE bit more? 2. yes i know how old he is. his facebook screams it. he's 10 years older than me. and 3. let's talk again about what a tool he is. why am I holding HIS hand when he CLEARLY thinks he is the adult here? There is a reason this guy got the dooshbag label stuck on him. By this point, I'm agitated. I respond with "wow, I love being patronized. let's forget about tuesday." BIG MISTAKE.

I get a drunk txt at 5 AM. Seriously? And he wants me to know how old he is? Please. He won't leave me alone. He's hot on my trail now that I say forget it. I can't resist a true d-bag. I have to respond. after a few really ridiculous and immature "you just want my body" txts from him (keep in mind I have NEVER met this guy so how can i want his body?) i agree to meet him for ONE drink. On a weekend night. that way, his night will be ruined because he has made plans with me but I intend to leave after one drink. plus, I have to work the next morning so it's better for me to call it a night early on. i think he just wants some bootay. you're barking up the wrong tree buddy.

I just received this text: "how about we meet for dinner and cuss at each other?" CUSS? Give me a break. does he want me to walk in and scream hey asshole over here when I see him? Maybe he will tell me to go to hell. whatever dude. this guy is a total loser. and a dooshbag. and i can't wait to blog about him after what is sure to be the BEST date of my ENTIRE life. wow, how did I ever get so lucky! I just wanted to see my friend number on facebook increase by one!

Side Note

I don't want to give off the wrong impression here. i'm not a bitter woman. i'm not an angry woman. i just don't have much tolerance anymore for the bar stars. when I say someone is a dooshbag, it's in the nicest way :) Referring to people as dooshbags or tools are some of the most common things I do. It's not because I have a superiority complex either.

you're gonna be rich? yessss.

imagine you're on a blind date. the guy's a nerd, but he's not intolerable. you're at a fab wine bar, having a glass and gnawing (ok, so maybe you aren't GNAWING, but i just love that word) on some delish calamari. imagine the conversation is all one sided. and it's all about him. and his job. and how much money he makes. seriously? yes. seriously.

the food and drink were great. the company? not so great. as soon as we got there, and got the initial "hi, my name is" out of the way, he immediately delved into his job. He was a lawyer. And a CPA. he had a masters in something else. went to three very good schools. he dressed well. he wasn't so bad looking. he had great teeth. but after he told me about how his first job had sought him out, and he decided it wasn't challenging enough, he told me how several big name law firms had squabbled over him and he had finally committed to one. he hadn't started yet. he wasn't worried though. he knew they would come back to him fairly quickly with a start date. the firm was lucky to get him. he wasn't looking for anything serious. he just wanted to find someone to sleep with. yes my friends, i was on a date with this winner.

he told me how much money he made. and how much money he would have in the bank in five years (ooops, I guess you didn't take into account the stock market plunge). after dinner, he asked me to come see his condo and tell him what i thought of his couch. what a line, sweet talker. how did you know i've been dying to see your couch? i have NO idea what this one really implies. i was really torn too. this guy blew and i knew what was coming. BUT, his condo was in a really phat building in the center of town and i had been dying to get inside and take a peek. and here was my chance! ahh, decisions decisions....

we got to his condo and it was everything i had heard and had been dying to see. floor to ceiling windows, the sleekest granite you've seen, the richest wood floors, the smoothest tile in the bathrooms. he had it decorated nicely. he immediately sat down on the couch and offered to open a bottle of wine. umm, no thanks. my thirst has been quenched with the viewing of your condo. i yawned and told him i needed to go home.

i forgot to tell him what i thought of his couch. it matched my opinion of him. and i don't want to sleep on it.

your tomato stakes belong in the tool shed

There's always that one guy that we can't ever seem to shake...ya know, the most popular boy in high school. He always played football (or in this case, football AND soccer), could do what he wanted because the teachers loved him, the guys thought he was so manly and the girls just wanted to touch his long hair and have him look at them.

I grew up with this kid. Literally. he started mooning me the summer we met. I was 7. He was almost 8. he and his brother were the cutest kids in the 'hood. there was a big group of us kids that always played together - we would go to swim practice in the mornings, then spend our afternoons and nights playing together. As we got older, the nights became more important. The sun would set, the lightning bugs would light up, and our group would stay up late into the night talking and being teenagers. And all of us girls secretly wanted a kiss from one of the brothers. there were other boys in our crew but they weren't these boys. The summer nights also involved a lot of toilet paper, eggs and paint ball guns. It became a bit of a war: my older brother and me vs. those brothers. I have found myself laughing over the years about the night they paint balled our house. My parents had just gotten the trim painted and the window was open. an orange paint ball flew into the window and hit the wall above their bed. my parents called the police but knew who it was all along.

after the youngest brother (and the cutest) graduated, the family moved to another state. i'm being honest when i say i never gave them another thought (i mean, besides the paint balling). you don't have to believe me if you don't want to. about 6 months ago, i was sitting at...drum roll please...the BAR with two of my bff's and this extremely attractive MAN swaggered up to me (he was like a cowboy out of Hollywood!) and started talking. I just looked at him. It was one of those "this man is incredibly attractive and I know I should know him" moments. Finally, he realized I didn't remember him and he introduced himself and my heart flipped and flopped all around its chest cavity. he proceeded to sit down, join in our club meeting and then he wouldn't leave! he finally got the hint, got my number, and he was off. i called my mom to tell her and all she could say was "oh lord, he's back."

after that night, he pursued me like i was going outta style. he would call and talk in his thick state-specific accent and his swagger was enough to make any girl melt. he was tall - much taller than anyone i had dated before and his shoulders would surround me when we hugged. he was a gentleman and it was hard not to be entranced. he told me i had to get over all of my sophomoric impressions about him from high school before we would be able to really have fun. he did his research, learned about a few important events in my life that have shaped me and seemed to know just how to treat me when i responded the way i responded. he met my friends. he cooked me dinner. he wanted to talk about serious issues, not just surface level facades. he played the piano growing up and one night, he played me a song he had written and sang to me in italian. i thought i had died and gone to lovers heaven. the cooking, the singing, the piano playing, the books, the dreams of tomato harvesting; these were things i had only dreamed of ever finding in someone. we were soul mates and all the elizabeth barrett browning quotes started flooding back to me.

he was harboring a nasty secret though. He had a girlfriend (i'm sorry...a lady friend, if you will) in another state. they had met one summer vacationing and had kept in touch for several years, seeing each other once every 4 months. Now THERE's a relationship for you. They had come to an agreement of sorts...they were free to date other people but she would be moving to his town in the fall to try things out for an unspecified amount of time. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? he wanted me to know about her; honesty was a big things for him. it was completely one sided honesty though, which i guess makes it not...honest? i appreciated his honesty - he knew my past and my heart and knew i couldn't get hurt like that again. however, he HAD to be honest. he knew i would find out anyway. this town isn't that big. the longer this went on, the more i realized my emotions were going to be involved. but his were too - if he was being honest about his feelings. one saturday, as i climbed into his car, i noticed a purple hallmark card envelope with her name on the back (he had slipped and told me her name one night). I realized then that it wasn't what i thought. until that point, he had painted a picture of an obligation to an old friend, something he couldn't get out of because he was a man of integrity and good moral character. but it was merely an obligation; he didn't see it going anywhere. i asked him if she knew about me and he said no, because of their agreement not to tell the other of their dates, but also because she would be extrememly hurt if she knew about me (keep in mind this entire time he had been saying she wasn't his girlfriend). once again, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? i told him i didn't know of too many girls that would take a semester off GRADUATE school to move to some rando town to try things out with some dude who was not her boyfriend. i told him i couldn't do it anymore. i was done.

i saw him a couple of months ago for the first time...he swaggered up to me and whispered in my ear that he wanted to spend more time with me. it was hard not to get all pitter pattery inside; warm breath on my ear never sounded so sexy. i said no and reminded him of the night i asked him if he was willing to give up something good with me for a maybe with her and he had replied yes. he made his choice. i will NOT be an after thought. a second choice. the greener grass on the other side. he said she had come to visit for a weekend and it hadn't gone so well. the month or longer stay was being revisited and they were deciding if it was the best decision for them. sorry buckaroo. you made your choice.

about once a week since then, i've gotten a text or a call from him, asking me to do something. i appreciate his efforts. but the thing is, he always gets in touch with me an hour or two BEFORE he wants to do something. really? don't call me at the last minute. i love that he has the audacity to get mad at me when i turn him down. the last time he got in touch with me, it was at 4:30 on a Saturday to do something at 7 that evening. i told him no. i had friends in town. and plans. and it was saturday for crying out loud. i guess i haven't been able to get over him so i spend my saturdays waiting for him to find me. please. he retorted that he would not be asking me again; i had turned down too many offers. if i wanted to hang out with him, i would have to seek him out. umm, ok TOOL BOX. thank you for letting me know.

there are things about him that i can not live with. things that i knew about him from growing up with him. things i learned about him while dating him. but i was willing to make concessions for him. was it because it was right to be with him or because it was such a good story (think about it: childhood enemies turned lovers. and our families get along!) that i was willing to settle? a deal killer is a deal killer. period. and having another girlfriend, no matter how honest you think you are being, is a big ole fat deal killer.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? you chose her buddy. I'm not going to be your second choice. EVER. and at least have enough respect to call me in advance to make plans. i guess some people never change. he's probably never had someone not jump at the chance to go out with him, or had someone not be willing to be second choice. hey, at his peak, you were lucky to be ANY choice to him. i got news for you buddy.

i'll take my tool box of memories of us growing up and pack them away in the shed out back. and i'm sure i'll see you around at some of the bars...like i said, this town ain't that big. but i can't waste my time hanging out with a d-bag who doesn't put me first when there are PLENTY of d-bags out there willing to put me first. hey, a girl's gotta eat.

oh yes I will use you for your condo

It's been almost a year since I met one of my favorite bar stars. We met during a costume party...at a bar (i mean really, where else would I meet someone of this d-bag caliber?) He was dressed as (hint: the most creative male costume known to man)... a well endowed athlete. Yes, he had big socks placed inconspicuously (or maybe not so inconspicuously). I believe I punched his socks as he walked by and that is how we got to where we are today. That and the fact that he played baseball at an ivy league school and had a phat condo.

I got ditched the night I met sock boy. He and his friends were kind enough to wait outside with me while I got a cab. A few short text messages later, I realized we were about to text our way to love. It became a weekend event. One of us would text the other and we would meet up while out on the town. If he rolled the dice right, which he usually did since his tab was ALWAYS open, then I would go back to his place for a night cap. The first time we walked (yes folks, we're responsible) back to his condo, upon realizing where we were going, I said "you seriously live at such and such?" and he said "you will not be using me for my condo." I replied with "oh, I most certainly will." We had several fun after parties of two at his audacious (does that word even fit?) condo with spectacular views.

My favorite after party was the night he called and said he was sweaty and needed to come over. I lived in a condo about 12 blocks away from his, but four blocks from the 80's club. I had just gotten home from a holiday party with yet another winner and the thought of sock boy was invigorating (still is, actually). Sock boy showed up, drenched in sweat from head to toe. It was almost Christmas and freezing outside. I asked him why he was so sweaty and he said "I have been pumping my fist for three hours." Of course you have, sock boy. You WERE at the 80's club, after all. Sock boy comes inside, removes his construction worker boots and blue jeans, climbs into bed and passes out. The next morning, he wakes up, asks me how he got there and then wants to know why his jeans are wet. I DO NOT KNOW. you said you were PUMPING your fist for THREE hours. Maybe your testicle implants leaked? You got me, buddy.

I stopped making a habit out of sock boy after that episode. It just got weird. Plus, by this time, I had a crush on sock boy. but true to the rules of dooshbaggery, he could never actually call me to take me on a date - he just would make empty promises of taking me to dinner. he was a master dooshbag artist. He would text me just enough to keep me intrigued, and call spontaneously enough to keep me thinking he had a crush of his own. Every now and then I still get a text or a facebook message from him. He also drunk dialed me and told me he missed me and he needed me. I also have a hilarious picture of his BICEP that he texted me one night. The last time I saw sock boy was the last time I went out alone (those always seem to be the craziest nights). He wanted me to come to the bar with the outside patio. I went because the tomato farmer was at the same bar and also wanted me to come by. I knew it would cause a ruckus. I made sock boy walk me back to my car, we kissed, and that was it.

Sock boy never really disappears though. He called me the other day from his work phone to say hi and to tell me he was going to take me to dinner after his vacation. He's been back from vacation for a week and I've heard nothing. Which is fine. He's a sweet guy, really smart, really sexy, but he's also the same kind of guy who dresses up as a well endowed athlete and plays poker 6 days a week. Sock boy is the kind of guy that is so hard to let go of but you know you should.

You can't change a dooshbag, not matter how much you really believe they don't want to be a dooshbag. I guess it isn't fair to call sock boy a doosh. He's a tool. He can't help it. It's the way boys are these days. At least he's a sweet tool. And costume season is quickly approaching...perhaps I should go to a party at the 80's club?

I've been reflecting on the last year and a half of my life, and I've realized a lot of things. Things about life, growing up, compassion, honesty and love. Things about what I want out of life. And what I want in a companion. I use the term husband flippantly. The girls and I will be getting decked out for an event and I will say "let's go meet our husbands, girls!" or I will meet someone and say "he is not my husband" or "there's a good chance he's my husband." It's all in fun, but I think about the poor schmucks we meet along the way and how we've analyzed them until there is nothing left, and there is no chance on the planet that they could ever be our husbands.

I lost control the minute I got off the chair lift and spent a year crashing down the black diamond before landing in a heap at the bottom, appendages going in all directions. It's funny how much you learn about yourself, and what you want out of life, and out of a companion, while crashing into trees, losing your poles, breaking your skis, and forgetting to zip up your fleece. ok, ENOUGH with the ski analogies.

seriously though, i've been learning a lot about things in general. like the fact that i HATE punctuation. i think the term son of a bitch is under rated. and mixed CDs are never a bad thing. and the fact that i have a LONG long long list of d-bags that i need to catch my blog friends up on. I better get to work. there are only a few more days before the next round of tool boxing commences.

I know I called you, but WHO are you?

Awhile back, my girlfriends and I rented a cabin in the mountains and enjoyed a relaxing weekend of debauchery and tomfoolery (I just had to use both words in one sentence). We met some funny people along the way, including one who lived in the same town we live in. I got his number, he got mine, and we went along our merry ways.

Several months, yes months, later, while on a bar crawl and looking through my phone, I realized I had the number of someone I did not know. I actually thought it was the number of a friend by the same name. I called, looking for my friend of the same name, only to discover it was the guy from the mountain bar. We agreed to meet up. And we did. And it was fun. We started hanging out regularly, and every time we were together, the same thought ran through my mind..."this guy could be my best friend."

At the same time I was hanging out with this guy, I was involved with some event planning that was taking up a lot of my time and energy. He lost his cool and he lost me. It was a shame too, because he was a good guy and had such a great sense of humor and seemed to really believe in southern charm, hospitality and chivalry.

Every now and again, he'll cross my mind and I will laugh. Although we didn't spend much time together, we did get to know each other pretty well. But then I think about how we met - at a mountain bar and the fact that I had to call him to find out who he was in order to actually meet him. And that makes me laugh harder.

YOU won't go home with ME?

So, MY night last night was interesting. I had this event for a charity I am involved with to raise money for research and camp for the kids. Professional athletes come and have dinner with some of the kids and then hang out the rest of the night. I spent most of my time chit chatting with a guy named Jerry. This tall guy walks in and people start talking to him so Jerry says "that's So-So. He's a pro water skier. This is like his 7th yr doing this." So-So comes over and introduces himself to me and starts putting on the charm. Jerry brings me shrimp and whispers in my ear "every year he meets someone and leaves with them. don't ditch me for him." So-So is cute but he's not super hot, not a bag of chips, and definitely should not be using disabled children as a way to meet women.

He is flirting BIG time and then tells me he wants me to go to the after party with him at the super exclusive club down the street. I mean, this club is private and stays open until 4 in the morning. They only serve chilled glass bottled water (if you order water, that is). I agree to go, thus ditching Jerry. SoSo and I smoke the hookah and the next thing I know, we're surrounded by cougars. I told him if he kept flirting with them I was going to leave because I didn't know anyone else there. SoSo shifts his focus back to me and it's not long before he says, "are you going to go home with me?" I reply no, to which he retorts, "you won't go home with ME?" (as though he cannot believe some low life like me would turn HIM down). So he calls his phone from my phone so he'll "have my number" and tells me how he isn't the kind of guy who takes a girl home and then doesn't call. I say, "right, until you need a hook up again when you're back in town." SoSo then gets on his soapbox about me being a cock blocker and a tease. It's past the cougars bedtime by this point so as they are gathering their belongings, the most unattractive of the bunch turns to SoSo and demands he come home with her. He turns to me and says "Are you coming home with me or not?" I go "nope." SoSo stands up, says, "That's it. I'm outta here." and he leaves with the cougar!!!!

I wasn't about to smoke the hookah alone so I went home. I txt him and said "you're officially an asshole" and go to bed. This morning, I get a text back from SoSo that says "and you're crazy." He then proceeds to text me how he really likes me and wants to get to know me better and wishes last night had turned out differently. He said he couldn't have me and it was driving him crazy so he had to leave. I reply with a tart, "Hope the cougar showed you a good time" text. His response was classic: "Nothing happened. She got sick."

I can't help thinking how hilarious karma can be.

Dinner with Superman

So, I have a date tonight with a foreign man. I'm not really sure how this is going to turn out. First off, we met at a BAR. Yes, a BAR. I mean, I know a lot of people meet in bars these days (shoot, I meet lots of people in bars. Who am I kidding.) But, in the words of a man I respect, "who really says they meet at the bar and 50 years later they are still together?"

He was wearing a Superman shirt. I saw him come in, thought he was cute, so I smiled and said "hey superman." He of course LOVED that. We started chatting and I realized he was not from America. His accent was not Southern (perferable), Yankee-ish or anything else. Come to find out he is Lithuanian. Eastern European. I had thoughts of Borat running through my head while we talked (I wonder if his wife is dead? And he hands out high fives everywhere?). He's a basketball player at a local college and plans to attend med school in the fall. So he's smart. And he's cute. And he has an accent. Things are looking pretty good.

Except he's young. He's in college. He isn't an American citizen. I'm sure we don't share the same political views. He doesn't even have an American driver's license. We'll probably get pulled over on our way to dinner. But he called today to make sure we were still on for our date. That was cute. My girlfriends and I have plans to meet up later for a drink, so I will bring him along, if he's normal. There's NO telling what he'll be like since we met in a bar. If he's not normal, I will ditch him and txt message the mute guy I picked up the same weekend. In a different bar.